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Debrett's, Britain's leading authority on etiquette, have revealed their top 10 tips on carrying oneself well in a British restaurant. We didn't quite agree.
Travelling to a new country can be hard. You risk causing offence and even a potential international catastrophe simply by waving your hand the wrong way. Whether you're a traveller coming in to the UK or a local who needs to bone up, here's a few tips on how to handle yourself:
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- It is highly recommended to take out a second mortgage if you plan to visit a London pub.
- If someone else's child approaches your table, you have the legal obligation to feed them espresso and Red Bull.
- Finding a fly in your soup means you've won a prize!
- All foods within the country come served wrapped in pastry unless otherwise stated.
- Watching television during a meal is highly encouraged in order to eliminate any chance of serious conversation.
- The only vegetables available are peas.
- Food is never served on crockery. Acceptable alternatives for plates include roofing tiles, gardening equipment, wooden boards and frying pans.
- When dining in a fast food restaurant, you are socially obliged to give up your seats for a drunk person who needs a little lie down.
- When a waiter asks if you'd like dessert, it is customary to insist you'll only partake if someone else has one, and you must descend into an awkward bicker while the waiter waits for your answer.
- If you enjoyed your meal, tradition dictates you should go to the bathroom and urinate everywhere except the toilet. This is how London pubs get their distinctive smell!
- Tipping is only required if you server is moonlighting as a Member of Parliament.
- Non-traditional queuing in any environment is punishable by a gruesome and painful death, unless at a bar when all bets are off and anything goes.
- Enjoy your trip, and remember: Clothing is only permitted on Mondays.