Connell Barrett is a dating coach for men in New York City. He describes himself as “progressive” on his Bumble app because he’s looking to date like-minded women and doesn’t want any surprises.
“Lucky for me, women who like Donald Trump are fairly rare in liberal New York City,” Barrett, the host of the Dating Transformation podcast, told HuffPost.
Be that as it may, in early 2021, he found himself dating Jennifer, a bright, successful business woman he’d met on the apps. The connection was magnetic. And they seemed to have plenty in common — they’d even gone to the same Midwestern college.
“A couple dates in, I was feeling, ‘Wow! She might be the one,’” he recalled.
On their third date, they had sex together for the first time. While cuddling in her bed after, the topic of the 2020 election came up, of all things.
“I mention how happy I was when they called the election for [Joe] Biden,” Barrett said. “Jennifer goes quiet. She sheepishly says, ‘Well, that was a tough day for me. I mean, they stole the election.’”
“I thought she was joking, but she then goes off on a conspiracy theory about phoney mail-in ballots,” he said. “It was then that he realised: I’m dating a Trumper.”
“We ended it not long after,” Barrett said.
“An offhand political comment early on in a relationship can be a turn-off if you have differing beliefs.”
- Blaine Anderson, a dating coach in Austin, Texas
In this highly partisan era, even dating experts can’t dodge dates with people who are their political opposites. In 2019, we wrote about how even putting “moderate” on your dating profile could result in the swipe-left treatment; as Trump and Biden prepare to face off again, 2024 could see more people reconsidering their political dealbreakers.
“This happens offline, too,” Skyler Wang, a sociologist and incoming assistant professor at McGill University, told HuffPost in 2019.
“Most people, particularly in fresh romantic encounters, prefer to find commonalities with their new partners rather than focusing on the inherent distance between two strangers,” he said. “It’s all part and parcel of modern day romance and courtship.”
Men tend to be more forgiving about dating across the aisle, Barrett thinks, while most single women can’t see themselves dating someone from the opposing political party.
“This makes sense, especially for progressive women who believe in feminism, women’s rights and the right to choose [abortion],” the dating coach said.
Blaine Anderson, a dating coach in Austin, Texas, said some data suggests that romantic compatibility is less about partisan differences and more about levels of interest in politics. Someone who closely follows the latest Supreme Court decisions and the 2024 campaign may be less interested in a match who’s completely disengaged from politics.
In any case, Anderson usually tells her clients to sidestep political conversations on early dates. Later on, your partner may be naturally more open to hearing a slightly different viewpoint, but on a first or second date ― or in bed, after a third one, in Barrett’s case ― talking about current events could kill the vibe.
“An offhand political comment early on in a relationship can be a turn-off if you have differing beliefs,” she said.
Don’t just take it from the dating experts, though. Below, our readers share some political statements that instantly ruled out future dates:
1. The Woke Hater
“I once had someone ask me if I was transgender. When I said no, they then went on an angry rant about how ‘woke culture’ is ruining everything. He didn’t even ask for my opinion or thoughts, I just remember thinking ‘I didn’t even disagree with you yet,’ and he continued to talk at me.” ― Erica Spera, co-host of the “Finding Mr. Height” podcast
2. The Flat Earthers’ Fiercest Defender
“I was on a first date with a guy who mentioned that his parents were extremely religious flat-earthers, and when I told him I thought that that would be an issue for me, he started screaming about how his parents had adopted six children, so they had to be good people. I asked what would happen if one of them was gay and he told me to call an Uber. It was a 12-minute-long date and I still stand by what I said.” ― Rory Uphold, host of the “Crimes of the Heart: A Love and Dating Podcast”
3. The Anti-Immigrant Immigrant
“I was in Paris for a gig, and went on a date with this guy who had moved there from Asia. It was going well, till he brought up, unprompted, that he loved Donald Trump as a leader. I asked him why, and he said he liked that Trump was making sure there would be less immigrants coming in to take jobs and sponge off the people. This man said that as an immigrant himself.
“We adjourn to his flat, which was gorgeous, and I asked him how he was able to afford such a nice place in Paris, of all places. His response? ‘Oh, I’ve got this old white guy that pays for it, and I occasionally do stuff with him.’ So the anti-immigrant who hates layabouts was an immigrant who laid about. There was no second date, and I haven’t been back to Paris since.” ― Sam See, a stand-up comic
4. The #MeToo Critic
“’I think the #MeToo Movement has gone too far. Men can’t even give women compliments now!′ This was said by a lesbian, FYI.” ― Nelly Thomas, the host of the “Dear Nelly” podcast
5. The Questionable Med Student
“I once had someone who was in med school tell me incorrect facts about abortion. I then asked if he thought it should be legal and he said no. I felt like I sat through a bad sex ed class.” ― Spera
6. The Fetishiser
“I went on a date with this white boy in Baltimore. He was attractive but he was encouraging me to ‘get comfortable and be really urban’ during a conversation.
‘What does that mean?’ I asked.
’I just want to experience as much of you in your natural element as possible,” he said. ‘Do you smoke blunts?’
While it seemed that he felt really comfortable with the fact that he was conversing with someone educated, well-travelled, and ‘hood’ but non-threatening, my instincts led me to believe that his attraction was based on a bit of a fetish.
Finally he admitted that he was attracted to the ‘danger’ element of dating a black guy, but living in Baltimore made him aware that a lot of that was simply a stereotype that he’d learned. This led to him sharing that he wanted to introduce me to his parents, who, he also admitted, struggled with some of their own deep-rooted prejudices. But since I was a ‘nice black guy’ they probably wouldn’t mind me visiting for a little while— ‘they may say some things or have some questions that may make you uncomfortable.’
‘That doesn’t bother me at all’ I said. ‘I’m an open-minded adult and can handle listening to what they have to say — even pretty tolerant of people’s prejudices. We all have them in some form, we’re all human.’
He seemed to appreciate that, before he responded, ‘That’s cool. You have nothing to worry about ― they may want you to just sit in the front room, but they won’t mind you using their plates and silverware to eat your dinner.’
As funny as that was to hear, it was a clear indication to keep my black ass away from there. My message to him? You, yo mama and yo daddy are crazy as hell.” ― Sampson McCormick, a writer and comedian
7. The Non-Love Bomber
“I once went on a date with a guy in the Navy. When he said the base he was stationed on regularly bomb-tested the island and it gave him joy, I knew it was a wrap. He was practically giddy describing the explosions like a Disneyland fireworks show. The sheer glee in his voice while describing this weekly exercise, — on an island where people lived, I might add — was unhinged. He couldn’t stop talking about how fun it was and how the president was awesome for allowing it.” ― Jasmine Diaz, a matchmaker and CEO of Diaz Dating Group
8. The Bisexual Belitter
“On a first date over coffee, a guy I had met from Tinder asked me if I was bisexual or gay. When I told him that I was gay, he said, ‘That’s a relief. I wouldn’t want to date someone who’s bisexual. I just feel like they’d cheat a lot.’ Nothing says hypocrite quite like a gay man stereotyping bisexual people for being ‘promiscuous.’ When he asked for my number after coffee, I told him I’d rather continue messaging on Tinder. However, that was a quick unmatch, and needless to say, there was never a second date.” ― Rob Loveless, host of “A Jaded Gay” podcast
9. The Psycho Attractor
“She said, ‘All my exes are psychos.’ It’s not necessarily political, but it says a lot about how the person views women and if they can take responsibility for their own stuff.” ― Thomas
10. The Obama Voter
“I was on a first date with this mess of a guy and he said something a little misogynistic (not related to politics) so I called him out on it. He then proceeded to tell me that he found ‘Republican women are more accepting of my faults than liberal women. Liberal women tend not to be as open minded as they think.’ I had no idea where that came from so I just said ‘Cool.’ There was an awkward silence and he added, ‘Just so you know, I voted for Obama.’ I finished my iced tea and said I had to go, but before I did I told him Hillary would’ve been a great president, just to tip him over the edge.” ― Elise Golgowski, actress and stand-up comedian