We have often heard that 1 in 2 marriages end in divorce but, according to recent stats, the divorce rate is actually declining in the UK.
While this is great news, and marriages seem to be happier all-round, what do we do when our friend is facing a divorce? How do we make sure that they transition to the next step of their lives comfortably, and without too many emotional battle wounds?
Well, according to the divorce and separation experts at amicable, you shouldn’t rush to offer them advice.
How to help your friend through a divorce
Ensure that your friend is safe
Amicable said: “The most important thing to consider is the safety of your friend or relative who’s going through a separation.
“Are there any signs indicating that they should seek specialist advice straight away? For example, violence or abuse towards themself or others. Especially concerning the wellbeing of any children involved.”
If so, listen to them and acknowledge what they’re experiencing. Direct them to organisations like Refuge, ManKind Initiative or Surviving Economic Abuse to ensure that they get the support that they need.
Empathise, don’t project
While you may have been through your own separation or divorce, what your friend needs at this moment is to be heard and validated in their feelings. Unless they specifically ask about your experience, try to keep the focus on them.
Amicable said: “If you’ve been separated or divorced and it was acrimonious or difficult, sharing your own experiences or the stories of others isn’t helpful to your friend.
“No one separation is the same and shoe-horning your own experiences to try and relate to theirs isn’t productive.”
Don’t bad-mouth their partner
As tempting as it may be to get some of your own thoughts on their partner out into the open, this isn’t the time for it, especially if children are involved.
Amicable said: “Your friend or family member doesn’t need to know that you ‘never really liked their ex’ or that you’ve heard ‘x, y and z about them’. This isn’t helpful, or supportive.”
Stay connected and keep checking in
Amicable advised: “Make time to stay connected in-person or virtually. Continue to check in on your friend regularly, even after the initial conversation.
“Show that you care by sending supportive messages, inviting them to activities, or simply spending time together. Small gestures can make a big difference in letting them know that they’re not alone.”
Be a good listener
Anupa, 46, London, said: “It’s really hard getting advice from friends and family who haven’t been through a separation themselves and especially when they don’t recognise the impact of their words and emotional toll that a separation has on a person.
“I would say the best thing someone can provide during this really difficult time is a listening, non-judgemental ear.”
What not to say to a friend going through a divorce
According to amicable, these are the most unhelpful things you can say to a friend going through this process:
“You should have divorced him a long time ago”
“Give her nothing”
“Get a solicitor”
“Take them to court”
“Stay together for the children”
“Plenty more fish in the sea”
“Get as much as you can”
“In my day, we worked at a marriage”
“Seek money”
“Do not compromise”
Kate Daly, Co-Founder of amicable, said: “With the right support and guidance, couples can navigate this transition amicably, focusing on co-operation and respect rather than conflict and animosity.
“There are many conflict-free options available, including negotiation support, mediation and collaborative approaches. Every experience is unique and people’s individual circumstances will dictate what they can afford and how amicable their separation can be.”
Help and support:
If you, or someone you know, is in immediate danger, call 999 and ask for the police. If you are not in immediate danger, you can contact:
- The Freephone 24 hour National Domestic Violence Helpline, run by Refuge: 0808 2000 247
- In Scotland, contact Scotland’s 24 hour Domestic Abuse and Forced Marriage Helpline: 0800 027 1234
- In Northern Ireland, contact the 24 hour Domestic & Sexual Violence Helpline: 0808 802 1414
- In Wales, contact the 24 hour Life Fear Free Helpline on 0808 80 10 800.
- National LGBT+ Domestic Abuse Helpline: 0800 999 5428
- Men’s Advice Line: 0808 801 0327
- Respect helpline (for anyone worried about their own behaviour): 0808 802 0321