We’ve all been warned about the dangers of mixing our work and personal lives, and few people would advise you to work full time alongside your romantic partner. But when you and your partner become parents, this is the magnitude of the shift that you are taking on. In addition to being romantic partners, you are now co-workers in the task of caring for your child, which, particularly in the newborn phase, is extremely labor-intensive — not to mention high-stakes.
It’s no surprise that many couples feel like they need to put their romantic partnership on the back burner in order to prioritise their new roles as parents, but this can lead to a lack of connection and other relationship issues in the long run. Sometimes couples find that things that seemed like minor issues in the past become magnified by the stress of parenting.
We asked therapists about the most common relationship issues that parents bring up in therapy — and how to address them.
1. Division Of Labor
If you felt like the household division of labor was imbalanced to begin with, the addition of a child is likely to exacerbate this issue. But even if you and your partner had tasks divided up fairly evenly before becoming parents, the addition of so many more responsibilities can test this balance.
“The division of labor becomes contentious as both partners may feel overwhelmed and undervalued, struggling to balance work, household tasks and child-rearing,” Dr. Sarah Oreck, a reproductive psychiatrist and founder of Mavida Health, told HuffPost.
Some couples find that hiring household help, such as a cleaning person, or outsourcing tasks in other ways, like sending out laundry or subscribing to a meal delivery service, can help reduce tension and conflict in this area.
“Pull from social support and those who can help you manage those basic needs, especially in the early stages of the child’s life when things are at their most new and chaotic,” advised Laci James, a licensed marriage and family therapist who is the clinical director of the Mental Health Center of San Diego. People who want to help you could do so by “cleaning the house, taking care of pets, getting groceries,” or providing meals, she said.
2. Intimacy
You will likely find that with all the extra work that parenting requires, your opportunities for intimacy are limited. In addition, many new parents share a bedroom with their baby for the first six months or longer (as recommended by the American Academy of Paediatrics), which presents another layer of challenge.
Though it’s normal for your sex life to look different after becoming parents and even to weather a dry spell, loss of intimacy can harm your partnership in the long run.
If there is “incongruence in sexual desires,” James said, or one partner is dealing with sexual dysfunction, this can cause issues in the relationship. It’s also not uncommon for one parent (often the mom in heterosexual couples) to feel “touched out” from child care tasks, especially by the day’s end, and lack the desire to pursue physical intimacy.
“Maintaining intimacy through planned date nights can reduce conflicts,” Oreck said. Intimacy may also look different now, but it’s important that each partner is able to communicate their needs.
3. Conflicting Parenting Styles
From sleep training to homework help, we all have ideas about the kind of parent we want to be, whether we hope to re-create the environment we were raised in or do things differently.
“Differing parenting styles can lead to significant tension,” Oreck said.
James concurred: “Differing parenting styles can cause friction as parents navigate how to best raise their child, often based on their own upbringing and values.” Since your histories are different, your expectations likely will be, too.
4. Adjusting To New Roles
Even though you have been partners to each other, you are newly minted parents now, and it may take time for you to adjust to these new roles — and to figure out how you can complement each other in your parenting.
“The arrival of a child dramatically shifts the focus away from the couple’s relationship and towards the demands of the new baby, leaving little time or energy to invest in other areas of the relationship,” Oreck said.
It may help to remember that “you and your partner were together before this child, and there is a whole set of coping skills you both used to navigate conflict,” James said. These skills have not vanished, but you will need to figure out how to use them in a new context.
5. Financial Stress
From the loss of income from unpaid leave and the exorbitant costs of child care, parenting puts an immediate strain on your budget.
“Arguments and anxiety over budgeting and spending priorities” are common, Oreck said. It can help to work together to create a family budget so that you can see where your money is going and how you may be able to meet new financial obligations.
6. Interference From Extended Family
Whereas before, you might have seen your in-laws a few times a year on holidays, they may be aiming to spend a lot more time together after you become parents or may even provide some of your child care. This can be a huge help, but it also creates opportunities for family members to critique your parenting, and people in your extended family may think you are obligated to meet their expectations about visits and time together now that there is a baby involved. All around, there are many more opportunities for tension and conflict to arise.
“Setting boundaries with extended family can prevent tension,” Oreck advised. It can be helpful to talk with your partner before you see a family member about what these boundaries are and who will communicate them.
7. A Reduced ‘Window Of Tolerance’
It may feel like you no longer have the bandwidth to deal with challenges that arise. “Parents carry a huge amount of pressure, stress and fears, which lowers the window of tolerance,” James said. This term “refers to the amount of distress we can safely and successfully manage at any given time.”
Our own window of tolerance waxes and wanes depending on our circumstances, and “parents have unique sets of vulnerability factors leading to decreased window of tolerance,” James explained, such as lack of sleep.
If your partnership is feeling the strain of any of these issues, know that it is common — and not insurmountable. Here are some ways to keep your partnership strong under the pressure of parenthood.
Prioritise communication
While you may have generally found enough time to communicate with your partner in the evenings, over dinner and perhaps relaxing on the couch afterward, the addition of a baby can put an end to this more natural flow of daily conversation. At the same time, you also now have more decisions to make mutually. In order to guarantee time to talk together, many couples find it helpful to schedule a weekly meeting to go over these kinds of logistics as well as to tackle any issues that arise.
“Setting aside regular times to talk can help couples stay connected,” Oreck said.
Find moments of self-care
Whether it’s sleep, food, showering, exercise or time to meet up with a friend, it’s important to find ways to fill your cup so you can be present with your baby and your partner. You might consider scheduling regular times that your partner will take over child care so that you can hit the gym, grab coffee with a friend or simply take a nap — and offering to reciprocate.
“Maintaining pre-parenthood activities can help balance new roles,” Oreck said.
Get support
If you feel like the issues you’re dealing with aren’t something you and your partner can tackle on your own, there’s no shame in reaching out for help. Individual and/or couples counselling can give you the time, space and support you need to work through problems.
“It’s normal to experience challenges, and taking proactive steps to address them can lead to a healthier, more fulfilling family life,” Oreck said.
“Couples therapy or individual counselling can provide valuable tools and perspectives to navigate the challenges of parenthood. Additionally, fostering a supportive community of friends, family and other parents can provide emotional and practical support,” she added.