People of all ages, genders and IQs sometimes appear to have a case of verbal diarrhoea when they engage in conversation with women in my age group. I don’t know why or how to make it stop. I’m beginning to suspect that some people can’t shake their own fear of aging and are projecting that weirdness onto me.
As a Black woman who looks 30 but could very well be 75, my real-life experiences are often the subject of my stand-up. And there’s a reason my peers in the audience laugh and feel seen. Our society has formed a very unflattering opinion of women over 30 — and we need y’all to get in line.
The first step to redemption is sitting here and listening to a few of the crazy, unsolicited comments I’ve gotten the minute people began to suspect that I’m not 22 anymore. For your horror and entertainment, here are nine things that you should never utter to me or any other femme-presenting person over the age of 30.
“No kids yet? You’re not getting any younger.”
Wow, I never realized I’m approaching my geriatric egg years. I’ve been so busy with my fun, attachment-free lifestyle. Thanks for the reminder, though.
“You should buy a house.”
Why does every boomer parent suggest this? Houses used to cost $70 when you bought your first one, ma’am. Today, groceries and rent are killing us.
“You look good for your [insert age, size, etc.].”
Oh my God, just give the damn compliment without a disclaimer. It’ll save everyone time and shade.
“Just don’t get bangs, ha-ha!”
We need to stop bangs-shaming now. It’s not always a wrinkle-covering tactic or a cry for help. We can look cute with a little razzle-dazzle on the forehead. Just let us spiral in style.
“Have you tried online dating?”
Oh no, I haven’t. What’s that? I’m an alien; please explain.
“So how does it feel to be [insert age]?”
People tend to ask us this on our birthdays. I have no idea what’s going on, but circle back next year, and maybe I can provide some insight. Kind regards!
“Let’s meet up at 9 p.m.”
Sorry but those are strictly couch/snacks/Netflix/snacks/Tiktok/snacks/stare at a wall/bedtime hours.
Literally anything involving the word “metabolism” in it.
My metabolism has been on the side of a milk carton since I turned 35. She pulled a “Gone Girl” on me — totally missing in action.
“You have an old soul.”
When someone guesses your age and it’s much older than they think, they tend to clean it up with this terrible phrase. Apparently, I have an old face, too.