You’re reading Between Us, a place for parents to offload and share their tricky parenting dilemmas. Share your parenting dilemma here and we’ll seek advice from experts.
There’s only so much we can do for our children. We can help to teach, shape and mould them growing up – and once they’re adults, we can still try to guide them when they ask for our help.
But once they reach those independent years, there’s only so much you can do as a parent. Sometimes, your child will grow into someone you love, yet who still manages to cause you a lot of pain and grief.
Such is the case for one anonymous HuffPost UK reader, who shared their heartbreaking parenting dilemma with us:
“My grown-up son has behaved appallingly for the last 20+ years. He has conned money out of the family, not repaid loans we’ve given him, trashed my property and been heavily involved with drugs (including selling them). His life is a constant drama. I love him and I’m beating myself up for distancing myself from him but I just can’t take it any more. He is unrepentant and doesn’t accept responsibility for any of his behaviour. In fact, he denies most of it. We have a very complicated past so I come from a place of huge guilt to start with. I’d welcome any helpful comments.”
Counselling Directory member Tom Bulpit can empathise with the situation, as his own family has been affected by drug addiction.
“The impact of drugs and their son’s behaviour sounds like it has a devastating impact on this family and their mental health,” he says.
“Trying to find a practical solution is very hard, especially if this person’s son does not seem to accept personal responsibility or want to seek help. This can leave the family feeling powerless, desperate to try and find the ‘right’ thing to do.”
So what can they do?
1. Seek support
Counselling Directory member Jenny Warwick says it’s crucial the parent acknowledges how they are feeling in all of this. “Your feelings are valid; this is a very stressful and upsetting situation,” she tells HuffPost UK. “You feel guilty for thinking about taking a step back from the relationship, but please don’t.”
Her advice is for the parent to talk to people – whether that’s friends or other family members – about what’s going on.
“Don’t feel you need to keep this a secret – it’s not your secret to keep; these are his actions,” Warwick continues.
“Talking about your feelings will help you process and gain perspective on what is happening. More parents than you might realise have complicated relationships with their grown-up children, particularly when drug misuse is involved; you are not alone, and there are resources for you.”
Bulpit, who is a person-centred therapist, urges the parent to protect their own mental health.
“Trying to love someone suffering from drug addiction is horrific and hugely taxing on the part of the one trying to care for them,” he says.
Drug addiction can come with a lot of associated behaviours such as lying, stealing or coercing money from loved ones, aggressive behaviour and manipulation.
“These behaviours are abuse, there’s no other way to describe them,” he continues. “The addict might be a victim to drugs, but so are the people around them. At the same time trying to let go and take a step back can bring up very powerful feelings of guilt and shame.”
A therapist with experience working with family dynamics might also be able to help offer further support, as can community support groups that are available for family members of people who misuse alcohol and other drugs.
2. Take a step back from the relationship
It’s so hard to take a step away from your children – especially when you want to help them – but therapists agree that a break is probably what the relationship needs.
Counselling Directory member Roxana Parra Sepulveda says: “To distance ourselves from those we love requires strength, self-compassion and the acceptance that it is not in your hands to change the behaviour of the other person – in this case your adult son.
“Unfortunately, we cannot always be with or near the people we love. In this case it sounds that to be near your adult son could bring more harm than joy.”
She adds that while the parent can’t change their adult son’s life choices and decisions, they can choose what to do about this situation at this moment in time.
Warwick agrees: “You have tried to keep the relationship going, but when we keep trying the same tactic, which never works, it is time to try something different. Your son will get the clear message that his behaviour is unacceptable to you and that there is a consequence.”
Of course, stepping back doesn’t mean you sever all ties forever. Rather, you’re taking a step back for your own mental health.
“Prioritise your wellbeing because you will be no good to him, yourself, or the people you care for if you are exhausted, distressed and stressed,” Warwick adds.
“Do what you need to give yourself that break. It is easier to block online contact while you get back on track. You don’t have to close the door on your relationship with your son forever, but you need to take a step back.”
3. Remember, your son is an adult too
As parents we can often feel like it’s our job to fix things – and when things don’t work out, it weighs heavily.
But Warwick reminds this parent that their son is an adult. “He might not be giving you this impression with his actions, but he is able to look after himself,” she says.
“There will be other support options around him. Taking a step back from him will allow him to find solutions and support himself, rather than turning to you all the time and never learning how to take responsibility for himself and his actions.”
4. Prioritise yourself and wellbeing
And lastly, do things that help you to prioritise your own wellbeing. “Give yourself permission to look after yourself physically and mentally; get outside, move your body, and spend time with the people that make you feel good,” says Warwick.
“Please don’t beat yourself up about this. You describe your past as ‘complicated’ – you are not to blame for this situation.
“Still, you can take steps to start to rebuild your relationship with your son but in time. When you have the headspace and capacity to put the boundaries in place that your relationship needs.”
Help and support:
- Mind, open Monday to Friday, 9am-6pm on 0300 123 3393.
- Samaritans offers a listening service which is open 24 hours a day, on 116 123 (UK and ROI - this number is FREE to call and will not appear on your phone bill).
- CALM (the Campaign Against Living Miserably) offer a helpline open 5pm-midnight, 365 days a year, on 0800 58 58 58, and a webchat service.
- The Mix is a free support service for people under 25. Call 0808 808 4994 or email help@themix.org.uk
- Rethink Mental Illness offers practical help through its advice line which can be reached on 0808 801 0525 (Monday to Friday 10am-4pm). More info can be found on rethink.org