The Apocalypse Party Planning Services Incorporated up there in the skies have really stepped up their game in 2016, wouldn't you say? Not only did Muhammad Ali, David Bowie and Prince (among other greats) die but then we got a big scoop of Brexit, a little bit of Zika, way too much of that other disease known as Donald Trump, the absolutely positively not funny Isis, a petition for gender neutral Kinder Eggs and Iceland beating England in the Euros (which of course is not necessarily a bad thing). Not to mention all the other fun environmental stuff... What is happening to our precious world?
Here's the thing though: There is no Apocalypse Party Planning Services. And here's the Double Whopper With Extra Cheese: I think WE are the Apocalypse Planning Party Services. Ok, I'll stop using that phrase now. My point is: What if we are trying to summon an epic meltdown to get to a flowery, breezy new beginning?
Excuse me if that sounds meta, I'm Generation Matrix so I still think anything meta - as well as, of course, slow motion bullet dodging - is cool. But there's a reason I'm saying this: It's exactly what I did to my own life. I summoned the apocalypse. I burned everything to the ground. Still too meta? Let me explain.
I was in a comfortable relationship, with a really nice guy, who gave me really nice things. We went out for really nice brunches (which I think automatically means you've stopped having sex), went on really nice vacations and we would have lived together in a really nice apartment if we hadn't been living in New York. We were together for 10 years, which means I was 18 when I met him (please stop trying to figure out how old I am in your head, that's rude!). I loved him and since I'm very stubborn I was set on being with him FOREVER (Warning: forever is a long time!).
Around year eight I started having this persistent feeling of imminent doom, just like we're all having on a global scale right now. I couldn't shake it. I asked my German dad Klaus about it, he said "dat's normal at your age!" and then went back to eating a bratwurst.
For the longest time I thought a war would break out, someone I loved would hurt themselves, a comet would come crashing down onto our beloved planet or the evil empire would take Nutella away from us. In short: only the most horrible things fathomable.
It was this itch that I couldn't scratch no matter what - yes, even with one of those wooden back scratching things - could you focus on my theory please?!
When the time came to get married to this aforementioned long term boyfriend I went away and did what any sensible person engaged to be married would do: I went to Turkey to shoot a horror film with Stephen Baldwin and cheated on him (not with Stephen Baldwin ok, calm down). And then I came back and spilled the beans IN MY SLEEP. And this kicked off my own personal apocalypse or as I like to call it - APOHL-calypse.
All hell broke loose. And although it hurt like taking Voldemort's yew wand to the heart every time I woke up, it weirdly felt right. I never knew it was humanely possible to cry through seven hours of cooking competitions on the Food Network while staying on your mother's couch and eating 13 bags of brownies. I never knew how much I could hate romantic comedies. I never knew how lonely being alone actually feels, because I had never really been alone.
And then everything else started falling apart. I bounced from one couch to the next, then my building lost heat for the winter, my agent stole thousands of dollars from me, my best friend lost his mind, my parents lost their home, I found a dead rat in my mailbox and then, most recently, I was evicted. I had to find meaning in this meltdown. So I started researching apocalypses. I learned from the book of Revelations and the story of the apocalypse, the beast, the antichrist, the seven signs, is one big metaphor. A metaphor for what you ask? An apocalypse is a painful, dreadful, hellfire and brimstone cleansing of sorts - a way to get to the truth.
You know that saying "out with the old, in with the new"? Yeah, it's like that just with lava, monsters, plagues, droughts and a few multicolored horsemen. So basically like the gay Hollywood version of that saying.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not championing for the world to be set on fire so we can start over. But it does feel like the world is at a crossroads, doesn't it? Maybe the world wants to date other people? I was at a crossroads and just stood there until something moved me. If that is where you're at, consider an apocalypse. Even though I'll be bearing the scars of mine for a long time, I can only recommend it.
Lucie Pohl: Apohlcalypse Now! is on every day Aug 3-29 at 5:30pm Gilded Balloon Teviot
Twitter: @luciepohlcomedy
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