Ever since we saw the first star-studded trailer for Matthew Vaughn’s mysterious spy movie Argylle last year, we’ve had a lot of questions about it. Questions like, “what exactly is going on here?”, “is this for real?” and “no, seriously, is this for real?”.
Well, after months of teasing, critics have now shared their first reviews for Argylle, which boasts an all-star cast including Henry Cavill, Bryce Dallas Howard, Sam Rockwell, Dua Lipa, Ariana DeBose and Bryan Cranston.
And, folks, they’re not good. So “not good”, in fact, that words like “lazy”, “unbearable”, “abysmal” and “insulting” are being flung around in early reviews.
Ouch.
Here’s a selection of what critics have said about Argylle so far…
The Times (1/5)
“A new low… the Kingsman franchise film-maker indulges his fatally enervating penchant for empty CGI spectacle, underwhelming B-list performers and plots so lazy, derivative and nonsensical that they seem to exist only as snarking meta-gags about the fun of being deliberately terrible, and how trying is for wimps.”
The Guardian (1/5)
“The rectangle of the screen itself seems to bend and twist into a giant self-satisfied smirk for this unbearably smug caper from director Matthew Vaughn. [Argylle is] thin, flimsy, lumbered with a dull meta-narrative and dodgy acting, and boasting a blank parade of phoned-in cameos from the supporting cast.
The Telegraph (1/5)
“The action is slapstick-driven, yet the set-pieces are all so transparently bogus – with fourth-rate CGI and actors’ digital doubles flopping about the place like haunted marionettes – that they play as insulting rather than outrageous.”
Express (1/5)
“This narrative route (with all its overdone twists and turns inspired by other well-established spook stories) has been a colossal waste of his and the A-list cast’s talent. An abysmal disappointment.”
“There is, indeed, a secret at the centre of this rehash of other movies involving spy-vs-spy shenanigans, international intrigue and triple-crosses […] the spoiler is: Argylle is. Abad movie. A very, very bad movie.”
“What looks like diamonds but on closer inspection turns out to be little more than reams of cheap polyester? Why, argyle, of course — that preppy pattern found on socks and sweaters, and an apt name for the latest kooky spy caper from Matthew Vaughn.”
Digital Spy (2/5)
“All of [Matthew Vaughn’s] tricks are involved, including hyper-kinetic editing and offbeat soundtrack choices, so if you’re not usually a fan, nothing here will change that.
“Alongside the twists, the set pieces are deployed regularly to keep the attention. Even though the movie is being released first in cinemas, it’s more likely to find a better home when it streams on Apple TV+ as a diverting Friday night watch.
“But had Argylle stuck to its fun meta spin on the spy genre and kept its own identity, then it could have been so much better.”
BBC Culture (2/5)
“Other sort-of action, sort-of romance, sort-of comedy films which have been dumped on streaming services over the last couple of years [are] all vapid, anonymous blocks of content, but at least the others offer something vaguely glamorous to slump in front of in your living room when you can’t settle on anything more nourishing to watch.
“Argylle, on the other hand, is being released in cinemas, so the shoddy and derivative nature of the enterprise is harder to forgive.”
“Unfortunately too much of it, especially the final half hour of this two-hour-plus frenetic action picture, just throws it all against the wall to see what sticks.”
Metro (2/5)
“It works as an entertaining piece of escapism, but nothing beyond that with the way it’s been crafted. The suggestion that this could be a fresh take on spy films is proven unfulfilled when Argylle had the potential to do what it did much better.”
USA Today (2/4)
“Argylle boasts a notable cast and a sensational premise that traverses a fine line between what’s fiction and what’s not. Yet the movie disappoints by fumbling away most of its wins and piling on double- and triple-crosses and other trappings of a bespoke espionage world.”
IndieWire (C+)
“Argylle ends on another glorious high that a more serious movie would never have been able to pull off, but the flimsy and hyper-contrived fluff leading up to it is so determined to justify its own absurdity that it doesn’t leave us enough of a chance to enjoy it.”
Empire (3/5)
“[Bryce Dallas] Howard and [Sam] Rockwell make a wonderful pair with genuine chemistry and great comic timing; the changing nature of their relationship as the plot careens through multiple meta layers becomes truly touching.”
“Despite the barefaced cynicism, choppy CGI, and aggressive number of celebrity cameos (including a reunion for Barbie’s Dua Lipa and John Cena), Argylle walks away from its own narrative snake pit looking relatively unpunctured.”
Argylle arrives in UK cinemas on Friday 2 February. Watch the trailer below: