No matter how healthy your relationship is, chances are you’re on the lookout for improvements. Luckily, it seems science has our backs.
Recently, TikToker and women’s self-defence instructor @thisisunderdog posted a video explaining “the secret to a healthy relationship, backed by science.”
It’s all about attention
”There’s something called ’bids for attention in relationships,” the creator began. These can take the form of direct questions, simple requests, sighing out of nowhere, physical touch ― basically, any attempt to grab your partner’s attention counts.
Examples include asking, “How do I look today?”, or statements like “It’s so rainy outside,” the TikToker explained.
When your loved one bids for your attention, you can respond in four ways: indifferently, negatively, minimally, and enthusiastically. “This last one is ideal,” the creator said.
“In fact, the number of times a partner responded to, or rejected, their partner’s bid for attention, can predict how long their relationship will last,” she added.
She then mentions research from by John and Julie Gottman, who found that couples who had stayed together for six years after getting married reacted to each others’ bids for attention 85% of the time.
Those who had separated since the study had only responded to their partners’ bids a third of the time.
“For example, if one of the partners said ‘oh, it’s so rainy outside,’ couples that stayed together likely had a partner that said ’oh, you’re right, it IS so rainy,” or validated their need for attention in some other positive way, the TikToker shared.
Those who separated, however, were less likely to say anything at all to the comment. Or perhaps they said something dismissive, like “OK??”.
Wait ― why?
It’s not so much to do with positivity ― though those who stayed together did tend to interact with each other in a cheerier way. But “the successful couples did not respond positively to each other 100% of the time” ― what was important was that they acknowledged the other part to begin with.
In fact, John Gottman called bids for attention “the fundamental unit of emotional communication.” So ignoring them, it seems, may be worse than occasionally responding in a negative way.
This is the “most important” part for the TikToker, as she points out that sometimes, couples will be tired or grumpy.
“But that’s OK,” she said, “because the Gottmans found that every time a partner responded positively to a bid for attention, it put good faith into what they called an ‘emotional bank account’.”
This “bank account” acts as a reserve of trust in, and understanding for, your partner ― even when they aren’t in the best mood.
This is “instrumental in couples knowing that their love and trust will be given and received,” @thisisunderdog pointed out.
You can watch the entire video here: