If the endless relationship advice articles, romance gurus, and self-help books have taught us anything, it’s that relationships can be really hard. And it makes sense that the longer you’ve been with your beau, the more likely issues are to arise.
For instance, most married couples have sex about once a week, in comparison to younger couples who get about double the action. But in the case of the bristle reaction, it’s more about the touch couples share outside of the bedroom.
If you hadn’t heard of the phenomenon before, you’re not alone ― I hadn’t either. Luckily for both of us, Vanessa Marin, a sex and relationship therapist, shared a TikTok about the topic.
“Let’s talk about the bristle reaction,” she began her video. It’s a name that she came up with to describe “the reaction we have when our partner comes in for a hug or a kiss and we feel ourselves bristle.”
Here’s what she thinks causes the reaction, and what she thinks you can do about it:
You might be confused as to why you feel this way
Even if you love your partner, you might yourself responding to their contact in an unusual way. Maybe you “don’t want to be touched” at all, Marin says. She asks, “How is it that we can react so strongly and so negatively to very simple touch from a person that we really love?”
She’s found that there are three main causes for the “bristle” response:
- A lack of non-sexual touch throughout the day, which makes you feel that “any sort of touch is supposed to lead to sex.” That means even thoughtless touches can feel charged, and can cause a negative response if you’re not feeling in the mood in that moment ― regardless of what your partner actually intended with the contact.
- As Marin puts it, you’re “touched out” ― maybe you’re a caretaker or parent, and you’ve had waaaay more physical contact that day than you’re primed for. This is a simple case of “too much, too often.”
- You might straight-up feel uncomfortable with the idea of sex with your partner. Marin says that the longer you’re with someone, the more uncomfortable you might feel around sleeping with them. Longer-term partners can feel “uncomfortable and awkward” initiating sex, she says ― so some turn to jokey or plausibly deniable advances, like lingering a little on a kiss or “honking someone’s boobs,” she says.
This is a bad idea, she suggests, because it means your partner learns to be “on guard with your touch. They don’t know what it is that you’re trying to do ― like, are you trying to initiate, or are you not? ― so they immediately go on the defensive.”
OK, so ― what now?
Though it might be worth reconsidering your relationship if your partner makes you feel uncomfortable on the reg, Marin suggested three ways to solve the bristle reaction in a separate video.
- Communicate, communicate, communicate ― talking to your partner about how you like (and don’t like) to be touched is key, Marin says. Though it sounds straightforward, “most couples have never had this conversation,” she shares.
- Focus on non-sexual touch. “If the only time you and your partner are touching each other is in the lead-up to sex, of course you’re gonna create this connection that touch is supposed to lead to sex, and you’re gonna bristle up if your partner touches you in moments that you don’t want to have sex,” the therapist explains.
- Marin recommends you “be more direct when you’re actually initiating sex, and ask your partner to be more direct too.” Trying to initiate in roundabout ways can confuse your partner and lead to a bristle reaction, whereas trying something like verbally initiating sex for a short period of time might help to reframe each other’s expectations.
“The bristle reaction can take a little bit of time to undo, especially if it’s something that you’ve been experiencing for a long period of time, but it is SO worth it to undo,” Marin finishes.
You can watch the first of her TikToks on the topic below: