Tonight I almost ate a cushion on my own sofa. Madonna fell. She didn't just fall a little bit she fell down a flight of stairs into 12 bullfighters/interpretive stags. No one helped her up, every dancer stayed in character. Clearly the brief was: whatever happens, you're a matador. "Watch me stumble, I'm going to carry on" she sang, only making everything worse. She'll have a terrible bruise in the morning. Twitter hit new heights of OMGing, my favourite tweet was from Sandy from Gogglebox who said "She definitely not going after party." There are vines and gifs and it will be in every Greatest Brits Moments countdown for ever more. It was incredible not least because it was Madonna but also because it was exactly what The Brits needed.
The Brit Awards. Bless them. The rock 'n' roll, drunken riot pop fest where someone's bound to snog someone they shouldn't and Paolo Nutini will be sick in a pot plant on his way out. Or not. The Brits are a bit like Christmas: you find yourself getting excited about it before you remember what it's really like. You imagine controversy, mayhem, someone falling off the stage or streaking or simulating sex with a statuette.
Then it starts and it's all a bit shiny and polished and no one portrays themselves as Christ to be stage invaded by Jarvis Cocker. The only swearing in recent memory came from Peter Kay calling Liam a knob. No one even seemed to get that drunk anymore. In fact, the most controversial thing to happen last year was Alex Turner dropping a mic and suggesting they invoice him for it. No rebellion ever started or ended with an invoice.
But this year, Madonna fell.
I thought the most controversial thing at The Brits this year would be James Bay not wearing a hat or Taylor Swift going low cut. I presumed we'd be bored or cringing or both like so many years before but actually, it was good. Taylor was excellent as per, Lionel Richie agog at Kanye West was a favourite, Kim K was very welcome and even Cara Delevingne being the "meat" in Ant and Dec's sandwich worked.
In fact, Ant and Dec were another big reason why it all went so well. They are genuinely funny (when they're allowed to be) look at I'm a Celeb. I have laughed through tea, stir fry and a salmon fishcake at them in that tree house doing impressions of Kim Woodburn demanding clean towels and Gemma Collins announcing she had malaria. They're also very knowing and surely The Brits could do with having a laugh at itself. The best example was coming off the back of Kanye's Hackney riot tribute to point out "this time last week it was double Corrie on ITV."
Obviously there were some Dad jokes but I would happily incorporate bingo into most areas of everyday life so I was happy they used it to choose the presenters. It was only really with the presenters things did go a bit awry. Lewis Hamilton asking Ellie Goulding if she was going to a wedding, in what was clearly a wedding dress, saved an otherwise shocking link. Rita Ora asking Orlando Bloom to look at her face and not her chest was awkward and Jimmy Carr's HRT Madge gag was in bad taste but she fell so we forgot about that anyway.
I liked that the statuettes had little skirts, I liked the surprise cameo of Marco Pierre White and I liked a tipsy Ed Sheeran telling Dec "you've got to introduce Madonna now innit" AND Madonna fell. Rihanna will be gutted she missed it all.
Yes, very good, The Brits can come back next year.