There is a worrying development in the Sepp Blatter racism scandal that it appears only I have noticed.
He seems to be attempting to have a laugh at the expense of everyone he recently offended, the wording of his public apology being the case in point. But it's OK, because I've seen through it and I am determined not to let him get away with it.
In the bar where I work I am kept constantly abreast of the world's happenings via three flatscreen TVs that show BBC News 24, muted, throughout the day. I say I'm kept abreast - I know all about everything that's going on through the medium of moving images and frequently discordant five word sentence snippets - i.e. WOMAN DIES, alongside film footage of a man who is alive. Occasionally, however, I am informed of something mildly interesting, and even less occasionally, what is on the TV makes me laugh out loud, much to the dismay of my customers, who, as previously discussed, don't really understand that waitresses have senses of humour too.
So yesterday I was setting up tables for lunch, taking note of the fact that now David Beckham has blasted Blatter for his ridiculous comments, and happily chuckling to myself about how stupid he probably feels now, given that David Beckham is probably the last person in the world you would want thinking you were an idiot, partly because he himself is a bit of an idiot and partly because he himself is also something close to GOD.
Anyway, once David Beckham calls you an idiot it's high time you apologised. If David Beckham called you an idiot because he walked out in front of your car and you ran him over and it was all his fault, you would still apologise because David Beckham has that kind of power. So Blatter apologised. And this is where it gets cryptic and weird, and the fact of the matter is I must analyse it now or I might go mad.
Upon the screen was Blatter's silly old face, and underneath it, the words "BLATTER APOLOGY" beside the direct quote, "It hurts and it's still hurting."
Now then. As the world's biggest fan of a good YouTube viral, I know fine well that these words do not, in any way, belong to Blatter. They have been stolen. Poached. Robbed in broad daylight from Harry Davies-Carr, who, in 2007, became the best known three year old in the world when his brother Charlie bit his finger. It's as if Blatter thought - "look, I'm not really sorry. I genuinely am a great big racist, but that simply will not fly with Becks. Perhaps if I use someone else's words, everyone will believe that I'm really sorry, and only I will know the truth... that I was quoting someone else and therefore my words were empty lies."
And then he thought - "Now then. What should I go with? Back for Good by Take That maybe? I like that one. Whatever I said... Whatever I did... I didn't mean it... Nah, too obvious. I think Golden Balls might be friends with Gary Barlow as well. How about a quote from a film? I bet Erin Brockovich would have something to say on the matter, for example... Ah yes, but she's a woman, and I hate them as well. Right, it's going to have to be a YouTube clip. Oh I know! I'll use that Charlie Bit Me thing, EVERYONE LIKES THAT ONE!! I'M SORTED! YES!"
Wasn't counting on me setting up tables and watching the news on a Friday morning though, was he. Busted. And that really hurt Charlie. And its still hurting.