I received a Christmas card from one of my most favourite people in the entire world yesterday, and he promised to tell me a Christmas joke on Christmas day. I got really excited about this because I love a Christmas joke, which is quite sad because I haven't heard one for a long time. No one is telling Christmas jokes this year. So I decided something needed to be done. I needed to call in the professionals.
So I sent out a few e-mails and told everyone I was putting up the prize of one imaginary Christmas sixpence for the writer who could send me the best Christmas Jokes. They rose to the challenge and I was promptly supplied with a ton of jokes of a highly festive nature, which I have printed below. But can you guess which one I decided was the best one?
Erskin Quint of Spoof News and the Dorking Review supplied me with this selection.
Q: what happened to the man who stole the advent calendar?
A: He got 25 days.
Q: what's special about the Christmas alphabet?
A: No L
Q: why do mummies excel at giving Christmas presents?
A: they're great with wrappings
Q: what did the doctor say about Mary?
A: she's in a stable condition
Q: who are those people stuck in the stable door?
A: the 3 wide men
Q: what do you get if you make a Dracula snowman?
A: frostbite
Q: which arctic mammal has the most mood swings?
A: the bipolar bear
Q: what was my best-ever Xmas present?
A: it'd be hard to beat the broken drum
Iain B from the Isle of White News created these sparkly Christmas baubles
Q: What do secret agents eat at Christmas?
A: Mince Pies.
Q: What did Santa see when he looked out of his window?
A: His own reflection because the light was on.
Q: How does Santa get around to all the kids in the world in one night?
A: He doesn't he's not real.
Phantom: "By the time that Boxing Day comes this year, you will have given happiness to all who have come into contact with you"
Scrooge: "Oh no, it's the ghost of Christmas future perfect!"
Skoob1999 from also from Spoof News and The Dorking Review went beyond the call of duty (excellent chappy that he is) and created this whole story just for me full of Christmas jokes.
I love Christmas...back in the good old days, the family huddled around a coal fire on Christmas Eve...if it got really, really cold, we'd light it. We were a big family, and we couldn't afford turkey back then. Mum used to buy an octopus - that way we could all have a leg. Mum used to put an iou in the Xmas pud instead of a silver sixpence, we were so poor.
I remember the presents the most. Dad once gave me a parcel, and when I opened it, it was just an empty box. It had 'Action Man Goes AWOL' written on the lid in biro.
One year he gave me a present and said that if I didn't open it in fifteen minutes he'd take it back. It was a gas meter.
I never got anything in my stocking. Dad used to block it off with a cable tie and say that it'd been tagged.
We all looked forward to Boxing Day. In our house that's literally what it was. All out warfare, no holds barred.
Those were the days.
Ellie James, one of my favourite American comedy news writers sent these ones flying across the pond.
Q: What do elves learn in school?
A: the elf-abet
Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
A: Frostbite
Q: What do you get when you deep fry Santa?
A: Crisp Cringle
Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
A: Claustrophobic.
Ha Ha, I laughed at all of those, but unfortunately, I could only choose one to be the winner of the Imaginary Christmas sixpence and that joke was:
Phantom: "By the time that Boxing Day comes this year, you will have given happiness to all who have come into contact with you"
Scrooge: "Oh no, it's the ghost of Christmas future perfect!"
Now it is now your Christmas duty to go forth and spread these Christmas Jokes around the world, and the Christmas dinner table. I guarantee they will make somebody smile.
Happy Christmas.