With Valentine’s Day around the corner, it’s natural for us to be dwelling on our love lives and this can also drift into what we dream about. Even when what we dream about is our exes.
A dream – or nightmare – about a person you’ve previously dated can take you by surprise, especially if it’s someone you haven’t spoken to in years. Whether you’ve got a new partner, are happy singling or looking, or you’re still hung up on someone from your past, the experience can be unsettling.
“Whether you’re single or coupled up, the high expectations and social pressures that come with Valentine’s Day can be impacting your sleep more than you may think,” says Martin Seeley, CEO of MattressNextDay.
Want to know why you’ve been randomly dreaming about that former lover of yours? Psychic Inbaal, who works with the mattress company, outlines the eight most common dreams we have about our exes below – and how to process them so you can move on with your life.
If you dream of a long-gone ex
“If you dream of an ex from a long time ago, this is a sign that you are wondering about your missed opportunities of youth,” says Inbaal.
“Perhaps you feel that you should have taken a different path in life, from the career you picked to the area you live in. If these decisions are connected to your long-gone ex, this may be why they are on your brain. If you have one of these dreams, upon waking, check whether you feel fearful or serene – this will tell you whether your past choices were preferable to your present or not.”
If you dream of a recent ex
Whilst dreaming of a recent lover may be jolting, Inbaal explains that this can be a naturally occurring dream. “Whilst you thought you were over your ex, this dream may have you thinking that you’re maybe not.”
But you should remove that fear, she says – there’s another reason you dreamt of that person. “If you are now single, you’re just missing having someone to hold. Even if that ex was bad news, the need for love is a natural human desire, and you miss having somebody in your life and in your bed.”
If you dream of an ex saying sorry
According to Inbaal, this is you subconsciously choosing peace. “An apology in a dream is your mind’s way of bringing peace to a turbulent situation. Your sleeping subconscious is going over unfinished stories from the past.
“If this love story ended badly, and the other person never took responsibility for their actions, your mind still craves that apology. And at least in the dream, your ex is mature enough to deliver one!”
If you dream of getting back together
“Dreaming of getting back with an ex could be simply because you miss them,” says Inbaal. “Sometimes the most obvious answer is the correct answer, and the feeling that you’d like this person nearby is neither wrong nor shameful – the heart wants what the heart wants.”
“In your waking time, you can decide whether to pursue it or not. But the first clue will come from the dream. Try to decipher how realistic it is – did your ex display the same characteristics in your dream as they used to in real life? Did it bring you joy or discomfort to feel that you’re back together?”
If you dream of getting physical again
You’ll be pleased to hear this type of dream is usually not about your ex at all.
As Inbaal explains: “If your body is going through a bit of a drought and you’ve not enjoyed a physical connection with anybody for a while, then the perfectly human and healthy desire to embrace will transcend body and mind and burst right into your dream.”
There is no shame in having physical desires, she adds – and it’s perfectly natural to act upon them in a dream. What happens there, stays there.
If you dream of an ex cheating on you
This can be one of the most upsetting love-related dreams of them all. “The sense of betrayal, shame and hopelessness that go along with infidelity can ruin a good night’s sleep,” says Inbaal.
“If you dream of an ex-partner cheating, you might be trying to make sense of the split. You could be worried that their loyalty was never for you, and you may be suspicious that they were cheating in real life too. The dream shows your own insecurities rather than any unfaithful thoughts from the ex.”
If you dream of your ex with a new partner
“Dreaming of an ex in a new relationship is very similar to dreaming of an ex-partner cheating,” says Inbaal. “This is questioning whether their loyalty was ever with you, did they ever love you? It’s a dream of insecurity, but it’s also an opportunity to find out how you feel. Did it make you feel jealous, upset, or secretly relieved that they’re not with you anymore?”
If you dream of a blowout with your ex
Contrary to what you might think, arguing with an ex in your dreams can actually be a positive, wishful thing. “You’ve gone over your old arguments so many times, and each time you thought of a better come-back, a better answer you could have shouted!” says Inbaal. “In your dream, you can finally get to win that argument, slam that door, have the final say! This dream can be a great stress-reliever, allowing you to set the record straight, at least in your mind.”