Well, we're five days in to the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, and I have learned a few things. Indeed, my learning curve has been so steep I could have done with some crampons...
Flyering a show is much harder than I thought it would be. I felt awkward about thrusting what is effectively litter at people and demanding that, in return, they should pay me some attention. The Royal Mile is awash with leaflets. Each flyer is someone's dream, discarded and trampled underfoot - there's probably a script for an angst-ridden play in there somewhere.
Lots of shows are giving away sweets with their adverts, clever. One show had condoms packaged with their details - sensible practice during the Frisky Fringe. Another was a troupe of such impossibly attractive people that you'd have giddlily accepted anything at all from them, just so you could gaze upon them for a moment longer. Jubejubes and johnnies would be a bonus.
I had nothing. However, I DO have a Guid Scots Tongue In Ma Heid - so, I took a deep breath and started bellowing...
"My show's been voted the #1 weirdest show of the entire Fringe" http://weirdfringe.wordpress.com/
(quite an accolade given some of the sights available. I am choosing to be flattered)
"The acceptance of this flyer does not constitute an admission of suffering from incontinence" (wry smiles)
"Men, come to my show and learn how to make your willy be harder for longer" (that one was surprisingly effective)
I shifted 600 flyers, and am now completely hoarse.
It really bothers me that we just accept incontinence as part of ageing or parenthood. It's not. Most cases can of simple stress incontinence can be completely cured by doing exercises which are free, easy and have no side effects.
Well, that's not actually correct. There is a side effect to improving the strength of your pelvic floor - an better sexual response...aha, that makes you want to grab my flyer, right?
There's a link between your pelvic floor muscles and your sexual function because the nerves that supply the pelvic floor also supply your tickly bits. So, a woman who has weak muscles may also find that her orgasms are weak. Indeed, some studies suggest that's the first thing to change after starting pelvic floor training, long before any definite change in bladder control. Do your exercises and you'll have better orgasms, even if he has left his socks lying on the floor (again) and hasn't emptied the dishwasher (again).
We know that pelvic floor exercises are more effective than Viagra for treating erectile dysfunction. Works for premature ejaculation too - 70% of cases can be cured or improved in three months by doing pelvic floor exercises. Most men are vaguely interested in being harder for longer.
I need to add a caveat. Guys, if your farts are wet, but your dreams are dry you should take your willy to see a doctor who can rule out any medical cause.
Yes. Yes, you should. Erectile issues are regarded as the "canary in the trousers" for heart disease - the first symptom can be a slight loss of erection - so, don't ignore it.
I should probably tell you what the exercises are. There's two for both women and men - a hold for 10 and 10 quick flicks.
The first one's just a lift - but, it can be difficult to know that you are doing it correctly. The easiest way to do the exercise is to imagine you are on a first date with someone you really love. But, uh oh, you can feel a pump brewing, and you know it's going to be a shocker. That squeezing you do around your bum hole to keep the fart in - well, that's you working your pelvic floor.
Hold it for a count of 10 seconds, and then relax. When you "let go" you should feel a drop back into your pants, if you don't feel the drop then you've lost the contraction and should start practising.
The second one is the same contraction, but "on" for a second, and then "off". Ten in a row.
Do that, twice a day or more...and look forward to enjoying the side effects.
If you follow me on twitter (@gussiegrips) I'll remind you to do them - when I tweet, you twitch your twinkle. Easy, no pee-sy.
Anyway, I've got to go and do some more flyering...you don't need one, you already know to come to my show, och, ok, here you go https://www.edfringe.com/whats-on/comedy/gusset-grippers