Eurovision 2019 is here! Ici! Hier! And we can barely contain our excitement. Why? Because we are bound to hear and/or see all of the following...
1) The phrase ‘Good evening Europe!’ over and over again
2) Dancing like this...
3) ...and like this
4) A heartfelt duet
5) A piece of performance art
6) Adorable children
7) Adorable elderly people
8) Hilarity from Graham Norton
9) Sarcasm from Graham Norton
10) Brutal honesty from Graham Norton
11) A presenter looking at the wrong camera
12) A song with subliminally political lyrics
13) A singer who can also do gymnastics
14) A singer getting over-enthusiastic
15) Backing dancers getting over-enthusiastic
16) Gratuitously sexy women who aren’t actually in the band
17) Homoerotic and/or ‘historical’ costumes
18) Someone who looks a bit like a British celebrity (in this case, Claudia Winkleman)
19) Someone standing with an unknown European landmark behind them
20) Someone doing this when they win/finish their song
21) At least eight fantastically glamorous divas who look and perform like this
22) At least 12 countries who are still stuck in the ’80s
23) At least one wind machine
24) An unexpected British celebrity to pop up and read our result