A friend recently called me in tears: Her son, a freshman in college, was having panic attacks. “It’s all my fault!” she sobbed. Her rationale: She let him to sleep in her bed as an infant when he cried, so it must be causing him separation anxiety today. At least that’s what the articles she Googled on teens and anxiety said.
I understand why she feels at fault. The media likes to point a finger at moms and dads (mostly moms) for the fact that Gen Z is the most stressed generation of all. Every mother I know has read Jonathan Haidt’s 2024 bestseller, “The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood Is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness.” In it, the social psychologist asserts that parents are too lax in letting kids use social media but are hyper-protective about their real life. We parent “in defend mode,” he writes, seeing risks and threats everywhere. His 2018 book, “The Coddling of the American Mind: How Good Intentions and Bad Ideas Are Setting Up a Generation for Failure,” goes even further: It accuses parents of raising kids in a safety bubble and setting them up for failure.
This summer, the U.S. surgeon general, Dr. Vivek Murthy, issued a warning about parents’ mental health, citing American Psychological Association research that found 48% of parents feel their stress is overwhelming. Stressed-out parents make for stressed-out offspring who are more at risk for developing depression and anxiety, he wrote in a New York Times editorial. But he didn’t throw us under the bus completely. He issued a call to action, requesting that public policy and society as a whole do more to support parents and caregivers.
I’ll admit it: Some of us take the helicopter parent thing a bit too far. I remember when a mother stopped me in the schoolyard before her 10-year-old came over for a playdate. She had a checklist to go through. “You don’t own any guns, right?” she asked. “There is no medication lying around? Open bottles of alcohol?” At the time, I took it personally. Did I look like someone who owned a Glock or engaged in day drinking? But now I realise she wasn’t out of line. She didn’t know me, and she was making sure her kid was in good hands.
I tried to do the same during the elementary and preteen years. I accompanied my daughter trick-or-treating and sifted through her candy to make sure it wasn’t spiked with razor blades. I picked her up from ballet classes, play rehearsals and parties rather than let her hop in an Uber or (worse!) take the subway alone. When she was in college, I asked that she text to let me know the Hinge date she was meeting for drinks wasn’t a serial killer. Does this make me a bad parent or the reason she emerged from the hell that was 2020 with anxiety? I don’t think so. Nor do I think any parent harms their kid by loving and caring about them too much.
Parents are human beings, and we do the best we can in a crazy world that has become increasingly nerve-wracking to navigate. Terrorism on U.S. soil, school shootings, COVID-19, deep fakes, Diddy’s indictment — don’t even get me started on politics and mpox. Our own parents never knew of such things. My mom let me ride my bike home from my best friend’s house after dark across our Bronx neighbourhood. She didn’t worry that some predator would mug, molest or sex traffic me. We didn’t have cellphones, much less AirTags or tracking apps. My parents were blissfully unaware that danger could be lurking around every corner. Or maybe it wasn’t back then? The ’70s and ’80s seemed like a kinder, gentler time.
We are the parents who lived through the trauma and tragedy of 9/11. We witnessed angry mobs storming the U.S. Capitol and a mass shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary. If life turned us into fiercely protective mama lions shielding our cubs, we have good reason. It’s the world that is out of control — not the parents.
When I was a kid and found money on the street, I picked it up and headed straight to the candy store. Today, I watch as a mom practically tackles her toddler in Central Park when he reaches for a dollar bill lying on a path. “Don’t touch that!” she screams, grabbing his tiny hand away. “It could have fentanyl on it and kill you!”
“It’s the constant news cycle that parents feed into,” explains Mindie Barnett, mom to a 16-year-old daughter who suffers from anxiety. “It’s one thing after the next, a constant stream of conflicts and warnings coming at us.” Barnett, who is a behavioural assistant at Jersey Innovative mental health services, counsels children, teens and families. Parents, she says, are not the cause of the Gen Z mental health crisis. “It’s school and social media and the world in general right now that’s contributing to adolescent anxiety. Forgive yourself and know that every parent makes mistakes. As long as you love your kids and talk to them, give them what they need, they’ll find their way.”
Psychologist and author Robi Ludwig says society has always blamed parents for what’s wrong with their children. “This is probably based on the historical roots of Freudian psychology, which has a strong hold on how we view the parent-child relationship.” Freud believed that the experiences of the first few years of life, especially interactions with parents or caregivers, ultimately shape an individual’s personality.
But in the end, blame solves nothing. Anxiety is complicated and has many sources, including biological, environmental and societal ones. Instead of trying to analyse the who, what and where of culpability, Ludwig advises that parents help children identify signs of anxiety in themselves as well as understand that it’s a natural response to stress. “One of the best things you can do is be a good role model, she says. “Demonstrate healthy ways of handling your own stress and anxiety, which can provide a positive example.”
Parents and kids can “work together to create a plan for managing anxiety and situations that trigger anxiety,” she adds. “This can help them build confidence and reduce their fears and uncertainty.”