“Twas the night before Brexmas / when all through the land / people tried to stay awake for the election results / with Christmas parties planned.”
Okay, so it doesn’t quite scan. But by the time you read this, the polls will be open for the third General Election in five years – and with festive frivolity in full swing, some would say it couldn’t have come at a worse time.
We can’t be the only ones whose work has organised the office do tonight? Yet this election has been hailed as “the most important in modern history”.
Determined not to miss a moment? Read on for the ultimate guide to pulling an election all-nighter. And if you’re not subscribed to our evening politics briefing, now’s the time to sign up. Get The Waugh Zone and make sense of it all.
8.00pm-9.45pm:
You’ve already voted right? If not, you have just two hours left to do so. Step on it. We also suggest prepping your body for the night ahead with the food of champions: curry. Research shows eating spicy food can prevent you from falling asleep, so order in that chicken vindaloo – or pick one up on your way back from the polling station.
9.45-9.55pm:
Get comfy. Election coverage starts at 9pm on Sky, and on the BBC, ITV and Channel 4 at 9.55pm. Rylan Clark-Neal is anchoring the latter, taking time out from his Strictly and Supermarket Sweep duties. We’re fans.
If you’re at the Christmas party, order an espresso martini before requesting Mariah Carey and belting out “All I Want For Christmas Is... [insert party name here].
Hope is not lost yet.
10.00pm-11pm:
Hope may now be lost.
The polls are now closed so wherever you are, make sure you can see a screen at 10pm when the exit poll is due to be announced.
Celebrate or commiserate with a bevvy, though you might want to avoid darker drinks like red wine, brandy, beer and whisky, which are more likely to leave you with a banging head come 3am. Opt for gin, vodka or white wine instead.
11.00pm-12am:
The first official results roll in about now. Newcastle Central was the fastest returning constituency in the 2017 election, announcing at 11pm and taking the crown from reigning champs Houghton and Sunderland South. Tune in to watch keen beans running with ballot boxes, then complete a few squats yourself.
Exercise between lessons has been shown to increase the attention span of Dutch schoolchildren, so it could help you stay awake through Huw Edwards’ dulcet tones, too.
12am-1.30am:
Christmas party kicking out time – if you’re determined to see election night through, you’d better sober up. Alcohol is super dehydrating, so drink something packed with electrolytes: think Lucozade Sport, or the less glamorous Dioralyte.
1.30am-3am:
Dig deep, these early morning hours are going to be tough. Keep your eyes alert by completing some “eye yoga” and snack on nuts – the nutritionist-approved snack for boosting energy.
Getting bored? Remember to expect the unexpected. Who could have predicted Ed Balls would have lost his seat in 2015, then Gangnam style-d his way into the nation’s hearts only a year later?
Rewatch that legendary clip for a break from the repetitive analysis.
3am-4.45am:
A flurry of declarations will roll in at 3am so staying awake should be a doddle. Using forecasts obtained from councils and the 2017 snap election, PA Media has estimated Jeremy Corbyn’s constituency of Islington North will announce at 3am, around the same time as Jo Swinson’s constituency of East Dunbartonshire.
We should know if Boris Johnson has kept his seat in Uxbridge and Ruislip South by 4.30am. If all else fails, reach for the Red Bull. Now is not the time to worry about your sugar consumption.
4.45am-5.30am:
If BoJo keeps his seat, expect a lull. Now is the time to power nap, but keep it brief. A NASA study of military pilot and astronauts found that a 40-minute nap improved performance by 34% and alertness by 100%, but a longer snooze will leave you groggy.
However, if the PM gets booted out, stay tuned for big opinions and spicy debate across the board. You’ll thank yourself for that curry.
5.30-7.30am:
Wakey wakey, the fate of the nation is usually clear by about 5.30am. Start your second election stint with porridge for plenty of energy. Over the next couple of hours the winners and losers will be planning their speeches, or fiercely trying to strike a deal in the case of a hung parliament.
7.30am-10am:
Resignations might occur (throwback to the 2015 carnage when Ed Miliband, Nick Clegg and Nigel Farage all stood down from their party leader roles).
If you’re heading into work, stand on your commute, sit on the hardest chair possible when you arrive and set up alerts on your phone so you don’t miss the action while doing something boring like your actual job.
10am-11am:
Statements will, most likely, be made, but by now, you’ll know the party lines so well, you’d probably be able to write them yourself.
The minute the clock strikes 11am, announce you’re having an early lunch break and find someone to nod off. You’ve earned it.