There, I've said it out loud and voiced it for the world to hear! How the hell will I be able to love another little person as much as my first little buddy? How is it possible that my heart will be big enough to love my 2nd baby as much as my 1st baby? And would it have been fairer to have just stuck to the one?
You see me and my first tiny human have been through hell and back together. We have shared our most happiest, vulnerable and darkest of times all within a mixture of milk scented cuddles, belly laughs and sleepless nights that seemed to last for a lifetime. However, we got through it all together.
Like any true friend she has been there for me with a smile every day and a heart bursting cuddle. She has never judged me for any mistakes I have made along the way (and there have been countless ones). She has never turned down a kiss or a cuddle and regardless of how crappy I look she always gazes at me like I am the best thing since sliced bread (which I know that most of the time I am not).
We have driven each other to the brink of despair and back. Me not understanding her needs quick enough, her not understanding that I'm trying my best and putting her first at all costs to my health and mental well-being.
Like the most loyal and trusting of soul mates she has watched me fight through my daily battle with Post Natal Depression. Never judging or doubting me but instead trusting me to take the best care of her. Safe in the knowledge that I will beat it. If not for me but for her. I have not had to tell her this. She instinctively knows and is patiently waiting for me. Despite the days where I feel I am doing her an injustice and not being the "perfect" mum, she makes me feel as though I ROCK at it and that her little life would be a less colourful and joyful place without me in it.
So, hence the question and fear that when you have been through so much with someone over such a short period of time, someone you have loved unconditionally from the start and someone whom you now love with a ferocity unrivalled by any other, how on earth can your heart and emotions expand enough to feel the same level of love for another? Does anyone have enough love in them for it to double along with your number of children? Or does the love you have for your first instead get shared out amongst them both in equal levels?
Any mum out there will understand the overwhelming and knock you sideways effect having a little one has on your life and emotions. Therefore, with baby number two on the way it's only natural to not only question the logistics of how they will fit into your day to day routine but also how they will squeeze themselves into your heart so they sit equally alongside your first.
I am so excited at the thought of meeting our second little person, to sharing everything with them and giving them the best of times in our growing family. However, it is also blowing my mind every time I think past the birth and into our home life of how we will go from three to four. Raising questions and causing sleepless nights as I try to fathom out the least scary of answers to a myriad of intimidating and uncomfortable questions. Will this new little one feel as special and as loved as the first? Will my little girl feel pushed out by the new baby on the block? And how the hell do we juggle all this to ensure a healthy and happy transition for all?
It does make you think that the parents who choose to have just one child have the right idea. They have realised that they want all their attention to be solely for their one tiny person. They do not have to share themselves out amongst more little ones, but instead just concentrate on their three Musketeer set up as they take on the rest of the world and what it throws at them as a threesome.
For me I always pictured myself with a brood of rascals and revelling in the mayhem. However, I never once until now (28 wks pregnant with my second) questioned whether I would be up for the role or have enough time or love to go around. I assumed that this would all fall into place and be one of those inevitable things that "just happens". However, 17 months into raising my first child and with the very real realisation that you have to work bloody hard at everything to make it right or anything close to "just happening" I am starting to wonder how the hell am I going to pull this off for a second time?
In a world where we are expected to pop out a brood of beautiful babies, whilst running our homes like small businesses and taking it all in our stride like naturals, I am not too afraid to admit that I am shit scared about what lies ahead (more so in fact than the first time around) and have no idea what the hell our lives are going to look like a few months from now. Will I be able to cope? Will I have the energy? Will I have enough love and motherly patience to go around? And will I end up at the bottom of a large glass of vino most nights? Honestly, the best answer to all of these questions is that I will give it a bloody good go and not bullshit anyone, most importantly myself that it's going to be a piece of cake!
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