Most of us have a type. Your type could refer to a person’s physical attributes or a specific kind of personality – but we tend to date similar people time and time again. In theory, this isn’t a bad thing. But what happens when you keep dating people who are emotionally unavailable?
Dating someone who isn’t forthcoming with their emotions is a draining experience. You can spend months or even years trying to decipher how this person actually feels about you. None of us want to be in a relationship with someone like this.
However, your own feelings about yourself could be part of the reason why you keep ending up with emotionally unavailable partners.
TikTok user Kat Eleftherio says “If we don’t want to be seen, you will gravitate towards those who don’t want to see you.”
Ouch.
She goes on to say that “these people might be too wrapped up in their own lives, they might be very busy, they might have avoidant tendencies, they will just have things going on that do not let them see you that you fear being seen.”
Of course, we all want connection and want to be seen by our loved ones but deep down we might actual fear being seen. Eleftherio believes this is why we unconsciously choose partners who do not or cannot see us.
“They might be looking in our direction, but not directly at us,” she says. She shares that it’s an issue she’s been dealing with with her therapist and highlights how you can overcome it: “The remedy to it from my own experience is to allow yourself to truly see you.”
Eleftherio continues by saying: “If you can’t directly look at yourself then of course you’re not going to feel comfortable when others do it as well.”
You should want to be with someone who truly sees you and accepts you for who you are. But, you can only do this when you’ve accepted who you are.
So, what are some signs that you’re dating someone who is emotionally unavailable?
Counselling Directory member Dr Kirstie Fleetwood Meade previously told HuffPost UK that signs of emotional unavailability might include:
- Not being able to have honest open conversations about your experiences or emotions, without feeling invalidated, shamed or ignored
- Someone who is emotionally unavailable will be unlikely to take on board feedback, will be defensive, and will not ask you how you’re feeling, or how they can support you emotionally
- You’ll likely find it hard to have a conversation with them about the future of your relationship, often feeling dismissed or shut down.
If you find yourself continuously attracting emotionally unavailable partners, Fleetwood suggests taking the time out to learn about yourself and your patterns before jumping into new relationships.
“If you’re able to, this is a fantastic topic to take to personal therapy to unpack and explore on a deeper level, to help you unlearn any unhelpful beliefs about yourself, to improve your boundaries, process any difficult or traumatic early experiences, to build and strengthen your sense of self, and to feel more aligned with your values,” Fleetwood says.