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Dealing with mental health issues is difficult, especially in relationships. Of-course the person who struggles with their mental health is the person dealing with most of the hardship. But mental health issues can also affect the other person in the relationship, too. And things become even more complicated when you’re considering a break-up.
This is the case for this week’s reader: Louise.
Louise and her partner of 18 months recently broke up and she says his behaviour became “controlling and manipulative”. After an argument, he packed his bags and left.
“We were both devastated as we still loved each other. He begged to come back for ages, but I held my ground and he respected my wishes,” she says. “After a few weeks he came to pick up his belongings and we had a very emotional talk.”
Louise noticed her ex had been self-harming since their break up. He’s currently seeking counselling and believes he might have bipolar disorder.
“He misses me terribly, as I do him but I’m getting on with my life, meeting friends, doing things I enjoy and building my own self esteem back,” she says. ”He seems to be relying on me.
“My concern is I’ve given him false hope. I’m not saying getting back together is out of the question, but I’m nowhere close to that yet.”
Louise’s ex wants them to get back together, but she’s unsure. How can she navigate the situation, while being sensitive to her ex’s mental health needs?
Clearly this is a hard situation to be in. Counselling Directory member Jo Kierstead tells Louise: “I can sense the battle between your heart and your head. Your connection to your ex runs deep, you’ve shared history and invested time into this relationship and navigated an especially challenging chapter of life together, under the intensity of the pandemic.”
Here’s some advice for those facing a similar situation:
How can Louise navigate this situation whilst being sensitive to her ex’s mental health needs?
“I would encourage Louise to reflect on where her own mental health is at. When our own mental health is under strain, it’s hard to find clarity and we can make poor choices, so, if she can make herself a priority, it will serve her better in the longer-term,” Kierstead says.
“Her ex’s self-harm is complicated, it’s known to be an unhealthy coping technique for issues she alone can’t fix for him. So while she may be tempted into ‘saviour mode,’ she has to be honest about what she can or can’t offer her ex right not.”
Kierstead explains that “putting boundaries around what feels ok, and as importantly, what doesn’t, will help her safeguard her own mental health”.
“For example, she may feel she wants to keep in communication with her ex to offer him support, but I would encourage her to be clear in her mind about why and how and in what capacity.”
Kierstead says she could start with “I am willing to offer you support but only as a friend and not in a romantic capacity.”
“And backing this up with tone of voice, content and frequency of future messages to ensure she cannot be misinterpreted or offer more support than feels ok to give.”
How can we support a partner who has mental health issues?
“Mental ill health affects one in four of us, and living without help can put a huge strain on individuals and further erode our own mental health,” Kierstead shares.
“The best support is shared, I would encourage everyone, whether as the partner or as an individual, to broaden their own support systems by seeking out ways to avoid feeling isolated, overwhelmed or trapped in a downward spiral.
“There may be a support on a national level – try Mind – or it could be closer to home through a local initiative. The best way forward to is to explore what’s out there, keep talking, keep lines of communication open with friends and family.”
Help and support:
- Mind, open Monday to Friday, 9am-6pm on 0300 123 3393.
- Samaritans offers a listening service which is open 24 hours a day, on 116 123 (UK and ROI - this number is FREE to call and will not appear on your phone bill).
- CALM (the Campaign Against Living Miserably) offer a helpline open 5pm-midnight, 365 days a year, on 0800 58 58 58, and a webchat service.
- The Mix is a free support service for people under 25. Call 0808 808 4994 or email help@themix.org.uk
- Rethink Mental Illness offers practical help through its advice line which can be reached on 0808 801 0525 (Monday to Friday 10am-4pm). More info can be found on rethink.org.
Love Stuck is for those who’ve hit a romantic wall, whether you’re single or have been coupled up for decades. With the help of trained sex and relationship therapists, HuffPost UK will help answer your dilemmas. Submit a question here.