I agree with Dolly Parton. Sometimes it is hard to be a woman...
Not because of sexism or period pains (although those things are really annoying).
But because of other women.
Not all women. Most women totally rock. But some, quite frankly, need to chill the hell out.
It seems that however you choose to live your life as a female of the species, it will never, ever be good enough for these women.
They damn you in the media, on Twitter and if you are really lucky you might even get an 'open letter'.
However, help is at hand. Simply follow these 10 steps to be universally adored by ALL women.
1. If you fall pregnant do not tell anyone how old you are. You are bound to be too old or too young.
2. You must not be too thin or too fat. Ideally aim for somewhere between 'bikini body' and 'curvy'.
3. If you have a baby, do not feed it. Whether you use formula, breast milk or both you are bound to annoy someone so you are safer not to bother.
4. If you have kids, stay at home and look after them while working full time.
5. Make sure you lose all your baby weight within six months of childbirth.
6. Have a little bit of cellulite. However, it is crucial you get the amount just right. Too much and you will be ridiculed, too little and you are vain.
7. Under no circumstances should you ever make a sexy pop video.
8. Do not have an opinion. If you must have one - keep it to yourself. Even if your opinion is 'all women are brilliant' you still open yourself up to criticism such as; 'How dare you suggest that all women are the same?' Or, 'As a woman in modern society I reserve the right not to be brilliant'.
9. Pay every lady you meet a compliment. Us women are awesome. We are criticised for our choices but we make them anyway. We are constantly told we are too fat, too thin, too old or too young but we get up, get dressed and get on with it. We need to stick together. So instead of condemning each other for the way we choose to live our lives let's spread the lady love and celebrate our differences!
10. Do NOT write an article about how to get women to like you.
To read more totally useless guides - visit stolensleep.com - a humorous antithesis to baby sleep advice or join me on Facebook.