No matter how happy you feel in your relationship, there will be times when conflict raises its ugly head and this is completely normal. Normal in your relationship, friendships, family, workplace – not everybody can agree at all times.
It can even be a healthy thing when handled constructively but, according to Anuradha Gupta, CEO of global matchmaking company Vows for Eternity, the types of fights you have with your partner can tell you a lot about whether your relationship is healthy.
If you find yourself doing these following behaviours, your conflict is healthy, according to the expert.
If they don’t sound familiar to you, try to keep them in mind next time you go head-to-head with your partner.
If you communicate with ‘I’ statements
While you’re in a conflict with your partner, it’s essential that you stay respectful and don’t stoop to using belittling language, talking over your partner or heavy sarcasm. However, a subtler way to respect them during conflict is to avoid pushing blame onto them whenever you find an opportunity.
Gupta says that in a healthy conflict, both parties stay on topic and use ‘I’ statements to express how they feel without placing blame on their partner. They do their best to maintain composure and emotional control and acknowledge when it’s time to take a break to stop the argument from escalating.
Actively listen without interruption
When tensions are high and you’re in conflict, it isn’t the best time to then be constantly interrupting your partner. Apart from being frustrating, Gupta says that constantly interrupting – even if you feel you’re only doing it to get your point across – prevents you from truly listening to your partner and keeps you focused on interjecting.
Gupta adds that being interrupted can also make your partner feel dismissed, which can cause them to retreat and withdraw from the conversation altogether.
To keep your conflict healthy, listen to your partner’s experiences and perspectives. Give them your full attention and give empathy to where they’re coming from. Your time to speak will come but until then, make sure that you listen.
Focus on the issue, not the person
While conflict may feel personal, it’s essential to remember that it isn’t personal to you at-all. This is easier when you keep in mind that you are in disagreement over an issue, and not either of you personally. Bring your defences down, don’t use past grievances as ammunition and instead, focus on what’s led to this disagreement and how it can be avoided in future. This will make for a healthier environment for future conflict, too.
Take breaks when needed
As hard as it can be to take yourself away from such an all-encompassing situation, sometimes what you both need is a breather. This gives you time to regain composure, calm down, and get perspective on the argument.
To get to this, simply state to your partner that you are overwhelmed and you need time to collect your thoughts.By saying you want a break, and not to completely disband the conflict altogether, you’re telling your partner that what they’re feeling still matters to you and won’t be dismissed. You just need a minute.
Avoid silent treatment
While this is a common tactic used in conflict, Gupta urges that this is unhealthy and can hinder open communication. If you aren’t ready to discuss the issue with your partner, it’s essential that you verbalise this instead of entirely stonewalling them. However, all conflicts must be resolved eventually so try to not get stuck in silence.
Apologise and forgive
Arguments, even when healthy, can leave all parties feeling tender and disconnected. Gupta says that a sincere and heartfelt apology can be a powerful catalyst for reconciliation and rebuilding the relationship. She adds that healthy partners can also forgive their partner, let go, and move on from the situation.