In a conversation about dating and relationships with her fellow campmates on I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here, Tulisa Contostavlos revealed that she identifes as demisexual, saying: “I feel like I’m demisexual, I need to have a really close emotional bond with someone…
“I need actual depth. I’m a slow, slow burner. I’ve been celibate for over three years.”
The singer also revealed that aside from a brief stint on Raya, the private members’ app aimed at celebrities, she has steered clear of dating apps as she is ‘guarded’.
What is demisexuality?
Demisexuality falls on the asexual spectrum. According to the sex and relationships experts at Feeld: “If you identify as demisexual, this means you experience sexual attraction to another person only after you have formed a strong emotional connection.”
To break it down further, it’s essential to discuss the Primary and Secondary Attraction Model.
The Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN) states that primary attraction is: “A sexual attraction to people based on instantly available information (such as their appearance or smell) which may or may not lead to arousal or sexual desire.”
Demisexual people do not experience primary attraction.
Most demisexual people do experience secondary attraction which AVEN describes as: “A sexual attraction to people based on information that’s not instantly available (such as personality, life-experiences, talents, etc.), how much a person needs to know about the other and for how long they need to know about them for secondary sexual attraction to develop, varies from person to person.”
People who are asexual largely experience neither, according to AVEN.
Feeld added: “It is not the preference to wait until an emotional connection is formed, but a condition of creating sexual attraction in the first place.
“Waiting to be intimate with a new partner until a bond is formed is a choice; not feeling sexual desire towards a partner until a bond is formed is something a demisexual-identifying human has no control over.”
How to know if you’re demisexual
Cairo, a demisexual lifestyle blogger, recommends reading the following statements about demisexuality and identifying if they ring true for you:
- I have no interest in one-night stands or intimacy with someone I’m don’t have an emotional connection with, even if that person is good looking
- Sometimes I’m surprised by my attraction to someone, especially after a deep conversation or being near them for a time
- Most of the people I have been sexually attracted to were people I considered close friends
- People often think I’m playing hard to get, when really I’m just not interested
Stonewall also offers a range of resources and support to people on the asexual spectrum.