After picking your child up from school or nursery, you might notice they seem a little glum. But when you ask ‘what’s wrong?’ you’re simply met with a glare, or the extremely detailed response of: ‘Nothing.’
We’ve all been there, but what can you do to try and eke more information out of this mini version of you who is very clearly annoyed or upset about something?
According to the experts behind popular parenting Instagram account Big Life Journal, the answer isn’t in asking questions, rather it’s about making a statement.
In a social media post, they wrote: “There was a time when my son used to come home from school clearly upset about something. But when I asked, ‘What happened?’ he would always respond with ‘nothing’. I felt helpless, not knowing how to help him. Then, one day, I decided to try something different.”
Instead of asking questions, they simply met their son with a statement, like “you had a rough day” or “you seem sad” – and to their amazement, their child started opening up.
“He’d tell me about someone pushing him at recess, how a friend didn’t play with him, or a hurtful thing a teacher said,” they recalled. “The simple act of acknowledging his feelings without questions seemed to make all the difference.”
And it turns out this actually does work.
In response to the post, one person shared: “I remember dealing with depression as an elementary school kid for a while and my mom one morning said, ‘you don’t seem like yourself this morning’ and I remember feeling myself relax and finally felt okay to cry and let stuff out.”
“Wow I resonate with this so much,” a parent added. “Currently going through this with my son. Changed my wording to similar to this and it’s opened the door for more conversation.”
Why does this work?
According to Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, authors of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk, children need to feel understood and like their emotions are being respected, rather than questioned.
If you ask ‘what’s wrong?’ or ‘why are you sad?’ you might end up getting a defensive response – or simply a none response. Why? Because the word ‘why’ can sound like an accusation, despite your best attempts at seeming empathetic.
Dr Brenna Hicks, known as the Kid Counsellor, explains that questions “put kids in their minds where they are really uncomfortable and confused”.
“Being asked to answer questions actually puts them into an internal battle, which typically results in them shutting down or giving one word answers,” she explains.
But by acknowledging a child’s feelings – as you can blatantly see they are sad – the argument is that it helps validate what they’re going through and they’re more likely to relax a little bit, feel seen and open up.
As Big Life Journal’s experts say: “Children often don’t respond well to direct questioning. Show them you understand and care, making it easier for them to open up when they’re ready.”