One of the best things about having kids in your life is getting to witness the hilarious things they come out with.
Sometimes it’s pure sass, other times it’s profound wisdom, and then the rest of the time it makes no sense whatsoever, but they make for great anecdotes nonetheless.
We scoured Reddit’s ‘things my kid said’ thread for some that’ll undoubtedly bring a smile to your face. You’re welcome.
‘My feet have got butter’
My four-year-old wants a shower, it’s a hot day – really, his feet are just sweating.
‘I’m little!’
Just a really cute interaction between my four-year-old and a shopkeeper.
Four-year-old: “Hi! I’m Francis!”
Shopkeeper: “Hi there!”
Four-year-old: ”... I’m little!!”
Very important for the shopkeeper to know, I guess, in case they didn’t notice by themselves!
‘You can’t control me. I not a robot’
Putting my son to bed and we were going on about 30 minutes of him moving in and out of the bed, talking, fidgeting etc. – anything to delay bedtime.
He asked if he could get some water, I said no (he had already got some). He gets up anyway and opens the door, looks me straight in the face and says: “you can’t control me.”
I said, “what did you say?”. He continues, “you can’t control me, I not a robot and you don’t have a remote.”
‘I never want to be a nurse because of kids like me’
After selfless nurses spent 15 minutes playing a game of verbal chess to get my daughter to have a throat swab, they won… but it was exhausting. I was so grateful for their help.
Walking to the car my daughter announced, “I never want to be a nurse because of kids like me.”
‘Who the hell signed me up for this?’
After 1st grade orientation, my six-year-old said in the car, “So there are no naps, no snack time, and I will have homework. Who the hell signed me up for this?”
‘Sleep is my enemy’
It’s 6am and kid starts doing his morning-open-the-eyes stretch, but “wake up time” is 7am.
Me: “Why don’t you try to get some more sleep. You have an hour before we have to get going.”
Him: “Sleep is my enemy.”
‘That’s a life lesson for you’
My kid (eight) just walked up to me, head-butted me, and said: “That’s a life lesson for you!” Then he walked away.
‘Does f**k rhyme with fluff?’
My four-year-old daughter: “Does fuck rhyme with fluff?”
So close.
‘Don’t forget to use your tampons’
When my son was three and we were at the checkout of the grocery store with my coupons in hand, he announced: “Mommy, don’t forget to use your tampons.” He meant coupons.
‘My life is very difficult’
Six-year-old with a serious tone, out of the blue at lunchtime: “Mum you know, my life is very difficult.”
Me, trying not to laugh in case he’s got a real problem: “Uh, I am sorry. Why is it difficult?”
Six-year-old: “Because I’m a mouse and people’s feet are big and they walk on top of me.”
He proceeded to tell me how mice enter buildings from the smallest holes in the walls to steal cheese and food. Such a difficult life.
‘It just made my whole entire inside body rainbow’
‘After we die, how long does it take until the vampires come get us and rebuild our bodies?’
Asked by my (at the time) five-year-old at the table while eating, out of nowhere.
We had never discussed anything like this previously and I have no idea where she got this vampire resurrection idea, and she continued to believe it for quite a while.
‘I like your haircut...’
″... It makes you look like a rhino.”
‘I wanna see your spiders’
So, I’m a nanny for a two-year-old. I’m also female and I don’t shave my body hair. It’s been hot out so I wore a tank top, and for the first time in her memory, my nanny kid saw my armpit hair.
Her reaction made me burst out laughing. I had just stretched and then put my arms back down, and I saw her staring at my (now hidden) armpits. She said, with an amazed look on her face and a tone of curiosity and wonder: “I wanna see… I wanna see… I wanna see your spiders!”
Some of these anecdotes have been edited for length and clarity.