Tonight, it turns out, I'll be wearing a posh frock on a red carpet. As a non-celebrity, I'm permitted to do this. If I was famous, however, the morning papers would insist I was out "celebrating my curves". If I'd just been dumped by a footballer, I'd be "showing him what he's missing". If I'd been on a diet, there would be "fears for tragic Anna as she unveils her gaunt frame".
Enough is enough! If I have to read about another bogus curves celebration (Q: Have you ever been invited to a party in honour of someone's arse? Thought not) I will punch my laptop, and that HURTS. So, inspired by Tom Chivers's lovely Telegraph blog about a style guide for internet commentators, I've begun a list of words and phrases which should be retired from celebrity coverage.
Showing off her bikini body: She's just going for a swim! She's on holiday!
Taking the plunge: You want to print a close-up of celebrity cleavage in an overpriced v-neck dress? Fine, but how about being honest and captioning it "Here you go!"
Worse for wear: Oh, come on. Her nose is a bit shiny and you've used a shot of her mid-blink. It's totally possible to get "drunkface" photos of Michelle Obama, look.
Flaunting her curves: We know your game. Language such as "flaunting", "showing off", "unveiling" and "celebrating" is a paltry attempt to justify that lecherous close-up, because it's clearly HER fault for being a massive show-off, what with her bum and everything. Thanks for reinforcing the profoundly regressive notion that by stepping outside in anything other than a burqa, nun's habit or grey onesie, a woman is automatically a desperate, attention-seeking tease. (Yes, we know that plenty of celebrities are indeed massive show-offs, who indeed want to be photographed. We've also noticed that Russell Crowe is never, ever accused of celebrating his curves.)
looking VERY cosy: What is this, P4? Just because a boy and a girl walk to the tuckshop/catering van together, it doesn't mean they're in lurrve. It's far more likely that they share a publicist, and are bitching about what a psycho she is. (Okay, perhaps this isn't exactly like primary school.)
Worries for/fears for: Of course! You are so profoundly concerned about the wellbeing of this celebrity that you just had to print pictures of her "haggard" make up-free face as she left the gym, or her "gaunt" clavicles as she desperately shooed photographers away from her children. We are so glad she has people like you looking out for her!
Proposals for additional words/phrases which should be banned are gratefully accepted. Post your suggestions below, or tweet me on @AnnaDotHart