Dearest Son
Let's not shout at each other anymore, let's go to the seaside and fall in love with each other again. Let's let the sunshine and waves wash away the frustration that we feel. And as we watch the tide pull back let's create a childhood full of love and sun, one that I hope you remember. Will you remember this? Will some part of your unformed memory keep hold of a fragment of sunshine and sea-sound and label it idyllic when you are older? Please, I hope so, this and not the shouting.
I am sorry for the shouting, I am full of frustration. And as you shout back at me I know you feel it too, neither of us can express ourselves fully. How do we progress? I don't know, you don't come with a manual. Let's just calm down and laugh again, you are so ready with your laughter. Make me laugh again, you find it so easy. We can run round after each other, you like a little force of nature.
Am I programmed to love you by nature or do I love you for yourself? How can I? I've only just started to know you, your personality has only just started to reveal itself. How long have I loved you? Since you were born? I know I love you now like it hurts me.
When you arrived we spent our first night together alone in a room packed full of others. Both of us so close to death, we brought each other back to life. It was a battle to get you here and it has felt like a fight every day since, every day and every night. Some days seem to last forever, relentless and endless full of pain and work and drudge, but already I fear them slipping away - every day endured is another day with you lost.
You have grown so quickly and changed so much it's frightening. Some days I see you have learnt something new, something I haven't taught you, you're beginning to make your way in the world... this will gather pace until eventually you won't be learning anything from me anymore.
I could blame you forever for changing my life, my body and my relationship but I never would, and you can blame me when you feel miserable for creating you, and you should. I am so sorry. I fear for your future. I am scared of the pain and misery you will feel, the fact I wanted you alive means you will have to live a life, I can't stop it, but can I give you the tools to deal with it? Please someone help me learn how to. How dare I bring you to life without the skills and knowledge to help make that life an easy one? Who knows what will happen to you, I know I want you to be brilliant, but it doesn't matter - I am already so proud of you. Privileged to know you.
Sometimes I can't wait to be apart from you, a rare outing has me running from the house, free and uplifted. Away from you sometimes I don't think about you at all. Is that bad? When I have the care of you my head is so full of you it makes me tense and confused. So why do I find myself running back to the house, faster the closer I get to you?
At home I can only ever remember to breathe when you are asleep and I long for the end of the day, but when you infrequently fall asleep in my arms all I can do is look at your shut eyelids, the tiny veins mapping out the planes and shapes of clouds, ghosts, circles. You're like a pearl, a spell, a little piece of magic. Looking at you I can't believe that you work so brilliantly - Mother Nature the greatest witch. You're strong, beautiful body, just bones and muscle, but lit up internally. I can't understand how you were once inside me and I didn't know that you would be like this. (Sometimes when I get scared of the world I wish I could put you back there). I never tire of looking at you. You lie back and trust me to never hurt you, and I never will, always do right by you, and I always will. Nature has tricked me.
We're bound together you and I, is it the blood? Your cries and laughs are destined for my ears, sometimes I think no one else hears them. No matter how far you travel (and I hope you go far) a piece of you will always be inside me and I will feel it kick just like before you were born. And I hope one day you realise that part of you belongs to me and remember to keep it safe, as well as I would myself. Please keep yourself safe.
The clichés are true: I could kill for you, I would die for you. But I'm sorry sometimes I can't get out of bed for you, the sheer will it has taken to have you and look after you has made me so tired I fear sometimes I will never get straight again. If I had that mythical button, the one that could erase your existence so we had never met, would I press it? Most days yes, but now you are here I know I could never rest again without you.
In dark moments how can I question my marriage when I look at you? If me plus him equals you then it has to be ok right? We still can't believe that the two flawed human beings we are have made something so perfect.
My perfect boy. So yes, lets go out into the sunshine together again, laugh and have fun. I'm sorry for the shouting. I know you'll probably never get to read this, but that's ok, I'll know that I wrote it.
Love Mum x