We’re told Mother’s Day is about breakfast in bed, joyful tears over handmade cards and feeling celebrated for the job we’re doing as mums.
However, if you’re a mum suffering with ill maternal mental health this “wonderful” day can instead be filled with dread. A day where you want to hideaway in bed rather than have breakfast in it. A day where tears are shed because you feel unworthy of the handmade cards and the little people who made them. And a day where you feel you don’t deserve to be celebrated as you’re doing a terrible job at motherhood.
I’ve been there. As a mum-of-two, suffering with severe PND and postpartum psychosis, the last person I wanted to celebrate on Mother’s Day was myself. As far as I was concerned, I was the worst mum in the world and a total fraud accepting gifts and cards telling me how lucky my beautiful girls were to have me in their lives.
As Mother’s Day approaches, I’m now well and looking forward to the day and everything it stands for. However, for every mum who’s not reached this point, I’ve put together some tips on getting through the day.
Stop telling yourself to be happy
I ordered myself to be happy on Mother’s Day. I’d warn myself that I needed to put aside my depression and feel happy. If you’re doing this, you need to stop. Your illness is not controlled by a switch. You cannot flick the switch to make everything ok just for the sake of one day. Therefore, this Mother’s Day try to silence these “Be happy” demands and instead remind yourself that just being there on the day is enough.
Know your triggers
Maternal mental health illnesses have triggers. They range from the smallest and inconsequential to the overwhelming and terrifying. This Mother’s day try to recognise these triggers and minimise them being triggered. By doing so you will be taking back some form of control, making you feel more in charge of your illness and how your days play out.
Lower your expectations
Mums face huge pressure, and as a mum with a maternal mental health illness, this increases ten-fold as we battle our demons telling us we’re not good enough, no matter how hard we try. Therefore, this Mother’s Day lower expectations on yourself to have a perfect day. Mother’s Day does not have to be a perfect and happy extravaganza of activities. Keep the plans simple. Pay no attention to what other people are doing on social media to celebrate theirs. Instead focus on being kind to yourself, taking time out when you need to and enjoying time just you and your little family.
Give yourself the gift of honesty
A catalyst for my bad days was hiding how I was feeling for fear of upsetting others. I didn’t realise that being honest with myself and others about my feelings would in turn help me feel less anxious and isolated and allow my family to better understand and help me. Therefore, this Mother’s Day be honest with yourself and your family about how you’re feeling. As by being honest about these feelings you take away some of the power they have over you.
Remind yourself that You. Are. Worthy.
Keep reminding yourself that you are worthy of the love and kindness you will be receiving on Mother’s Day. You are a fantastic mum, who is also battling a maternal mental health illness, and are doing this every day. Therefore, you my courageous and incredibly strong friend are quite simply incredible.
Happy Mother’s Day!
Olivia is author of best selling book “Bonkers” and founder of The Every Mum Movement. For more information, check out the movement on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter
Useful websites and helplines:
- Mind, open Monday to Friday, 9am-6pm on 0300 123 3393
- Samaritans offers a listening service which is open 24 hours a day, on 116 123 (UK and ROI - this number is FREE to call and will not appear on your phone bill.)
- The Mix is a free support service for people under 25. Call 0808 808 4994 or email: help@themix.org.uk
- Rethink Mental Illness offers practical help through its advice line which can be reached on 0300 5000 927 (open Monday to Friday 10am-4pm). More info can be found on www.rethink.org.