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How often do you like to have sex in your relationship? There’s no right or wrong answer but it’s a question that can cause tensions in some relationships. For some, having sex once a week is enough. Whilst others want to have sex multiple times a week.
Having a different sexual libido to your partner can make things tricky, especially if you feel like they’re pressuring you into having sex. Unfortunately, this week’s reader, Sarah finds herself in this position.
Jessica Alderson who is the co-founder of So Syncd and Relationship Expert advises Sarah on how to deal with this tough situation.
What is coercion in sex, and what should we do if our partner is coercing us to have sex?
“Sexual coercion is using pressure or influence to get someone to agree to sexual activities by using controlling, threatening, or manipulative behaviour,” Alderson explains.
If someone is trying to convince you to engage in sexual activity when you have communicated that you don’t want to, that is coercion.
“There is a continuum of coercion that ranges from subtle pressure to obvious threats. For example, your partner may threaten to break up with you if you don’t have sex with them or wear you down until you agree,” Alderson says.
She wants Sarah to understand that if her partner is coercing her, it’s not her fault. “You aren’t obligated to do anything against your will. How you deal with it depends on the severity of the situation,” Alderson adds.
In some instances, people unintentionally sexually coerce their partners.
“If this is the case, it’s important to talk to them and explain how their behaviour makes you feel,” she says.
Make sure to use specific examples where possible and explain what could be done differently in the future. By communicating your feelings, you may be able to resolve the issue and restore the relationship.
What should you do if you and your partner have different sexual libidos?
It’s normal to have sexual libidos, there’s no right level of sexual desire and everyone has different needs when it comes to their sex life.
“If there is a significant discrepancy in your libidos that is impacting your relationship, it’s important to communicate openly and honestly with your partner,” Alderson says.
She continues: “While it can be a difficult topic to bring up, it doesn’t have to be a dealbreaker, and open communication gives you the best chance of finding a solution that works for both of you.”
Speaking about sex can be a sensitive topic because it’s closely associated with our sends of belonging. So, when you approach the discussion do so with compassion and understanding.
When speaking about your differences in libidio, you need to make sure that your partner doesn’t feel attacked. “This can go either way—if you’re the one with the higher libido, make sure your partner doesn’t feel like you’re pressuring them, and if you’re the one with the lower libido, try to ensure they don’t feel like you’re rejecting them,” Alderson adds.
Remember to think about the external factors that could be affecting you or your partner’s libido. “Stress, sleep quality, alcohol, and medical issues can all influence libido. If it’s due to a temporary situation, taking steps to address the underlying issue may be the best course of action,” Alderson says.
But, if the difference is due to a fundamental difference in libido, you’ll need to think longer-term. “No one should ever do anything they don’t want to do when it comes to sex, but there are often practical measures you can take to bridge the gap,” Alderson says.
What practical advice would you give this reader?
Alderson thinks Sarah should first accept that sex is an emotional experience for her, as well as a physical one. “Her feelings are valid, and she shouldn’t feel pressured to detach from her emotions when it comes to sex,” she says.
She should then explain to her partner how she’s feeling and why she’s lost attraction to him. “It might not be an easy conversation, but it’s essential if the reader wants to resolve the issue,” Alderson adds.
“During the conversation, she should try to give specific examples of incidents that happened in the past that she found uncomfortable and explain why they made her feel a certain way,” Alderson says.
However, Alderson thinks the fact that Sarah has got to a point where she can’t have sex with her partner at all anymore is a sign that the situation has been emotionally damaging for her, and that’s understandable.
“It’s important that she takes time to work on her own healing as an individual, as well as deciding how she wants to address the relationship,” Alderson says.
Healing can be approached in different ways such as therapy, self-care activities, journaling, and introspection.
Lastly, Sarah would decide how she wants to move forward with her relationship. “Depending on her personal needs and the dynamic between her and her partner, the reader should take a step back to consider whether she is willing to put in the work to re-establish trust and create a healthy, respectful relationship,” Alderson says.
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