There's a big freeze on the horizon. No, not the weather! The G7 countries have sat Vladimir Putin in the naughty corner and haven't invited him to their party because he's playing pick and mix with Eastern Europe.
G7 Give Putin the Cold Shoulder
Photo credit: Photo by the Presidential Press Service / Foter / CC BY / Caption by: @GarethHeskett
Putin has remained unconcerned, stating that he prefers Il Divo anyway. A spokesman for the Russian government said, 'your shoulders will be freezing when we turn the gas off.'
The Russian leader denies being intimidated, saying 'This nothing. Wife give me cold shoulder every night of week for years'. The taunts then got personal. Putin threatened Obama with a chinese burn and a wedgie, and British Foreign Secretary William Hague called Putin a slaphead.
A leading expert in stuff commented that, 'the trouble with giving Putin the cold shoulder is that he'll take Steps to annexe the humorous & take extremities in the arms race'.
Written by: @AndyGilder, @matt_seccull, @LilyThePurr, @MCGibbo007, @RayUserNameMond
The caption competition winner is @GarethHeskett with:
Photo credit: scrappy annie / Foter / CC BY-NC
The Police are in hot water again after a scandal involving files relating to corruption in the force were shredded. The Met have yet to come up with a convincing excuse as to why. We thought we'd help them out.
Reasons Why The Police Shredded Important Files About Corruption:
Preventing a national confetti shortage@ OliJacobsAuthor
The Chief Constable takes a bag of it every week as hamster bedding@AndyGilder
Because the 'Reasons For Shredding Files We Don't Want People To See' list was an annex to one of the shredded files@GI1970
They offered a bribe to the officer in charge of excuses but he'd ran out of them.@ GI1970
It was a conscious uncoupling of evidence.@dubiousgenius
Too many confiscated drugs has messed with their minds.@BadScentsHumour
All the documents tripped and fell into the shredder of their own accord, at a time when our CCTV camera was broken.@dantrobus
Getting funding for important infrastructures can be a pain can't it? People don't want to pay through the nose in tax or see their pay cheques go up in smoke. But what if everybody could get stoned? The apathy rate would go through the roof!
New Jersey Senator Proposes Pot Money to Pay For Roads
New Yorkers take the high road over freeways, in a new joint venture, which is keeping everyone rolling. Smokers say they appreciate the Senator's toking gesture. A rash of stoners will be employed to fill pot holes. More details after the bongs.
Bong!
New Jersey Turnpike to close as funds are gone to pot. @squellwalsh
Bong!
Cocaine money to be used to do the lines on the roads. @dubiousgenius
Bong!
Senator follows up with 'crack money to repair the pavements' idea. @benjaminpmoore & @femmedomestique
Bong!
Opposition bring out new signage to counteract bill:
Image Credit: @squellwalsh
Other contributors: @Brycoo, @karenjeynes, @OliJacobsAuthor and @clairetheweemoo
More News Punch soon.
*Some tweets have been edited. Original tweets can be viewed by clicking the @ names.