If you’ve watched any of Queer Eye, then we don’t need to tell you that Jonathan Van Ness is simply faaaabulous.
While we’re desperate for a night out with all of the Fab Five (seriously guys, call us), we just know it would be JVN who would get us right in the spirit for a night on the tiles.
Inspired by that, here’s the 28 stages of getting ready (and the all important pre-drinks) as told by the man himself...
1. Upon looking at your bank account, you realise there’s no budget for a new outfit
2. You’re forced to work with what you’ve got, but upon opening the wardrobe, you have nothing but contempt for all of its contents
3. And the thought of having to squeeze yourself into something you last wore two years ago when you were at least two sizes smaller becomes a little too much
4. You’re then forced to give yourself a mini pep talk to overcome the terrible mood you’ve manage to put yourself in
“You’re strong, you’re a Kelly Clarkson song, you got this."”
- Jonathan Van Ness
5. As you begin to rummage around, you pull something out from the back of the wardrobe that you’d totally forgotten you’d even bought
6. And then you try it on and realise it still fits
7. You then find the perfect thing to match it and you stand in front of the mirror in awe of your stylistic brilliance
8. Only to look around and realise that your room is now covered in clothes
9. When it comes to accessories, you tip everything you own onto the bed, before quickly realising that less is always more
“It reminds me a lot of a skin tag. It’s not hurting anything, but it doesn’t look great."”
10. It’s then onto your hair
11. And you have to improvise when you remember that Karen still hasn’t returned your heated rollers she borrowed for her work ’do last week
12. When doing your make-up, you decide to keep it simple
“There is a diva in there, but all she needs is a little bit of a bold lip."”
- Jonathan Van Ness
13. And when it comes to fragrance, you always follow the three-step rule
14. You then take one final look in the mirror and realise that, against all the odds, you have totally nailed it
15. Your pals then turn up for pre-drinks and you greet them feeling fierce AF
16. And everyone tells you how great you look
17. You try to pop some bottles of seccy, but realise it’s going to take someone a lot stronger than you to open them
18. So you decide to stick to Malibu and coke instead
19. You pop some music on and Ariana Grande’s Into You comes on the playlist
20. Only for one of your guests to remark: “I’ve not heard this song before, it’s not bad, you know.”
21. You tell them to leave your house immediately
22. As the drinks flow, you rally the troops to perform a Girls Aloud tribute
23. But you seem to be taking it much more seriously than everyone else
24. Then come the pre-taxi shots
25. While your sensible friend Sandra tries to round everyone up
26. Eventually, you all pile out to greet the driver
27. Things get a bit rowdy on the journey and Sandra’s five-star rating disappears before her very eyes
28. Upon arriving at the club, you opt to make a low-key entrance
29. Before making a beeline for that dancefloor, where you will spend the next four hours attempting to demonstrate a collection of overly ambitious moves that you are by no means capable of
Queer Eye season three is available to stream on Netflix now.