In recent years, the mysterious forces which control BBC's flagship sound wave dispenser, Radio 1 (so called because it's the tops, kids!) have turned the station into an inane tween fap-fest of utter bulwarks, which has resulted in them losing many, many listeners. Though now we know all that is untrue - it turns out the station is actually a brilliant prank, consisting of awful broadcasting, vacuous halfwit hosts and crap muzak. The stations listeners have been revealed to be the butt of the biggest joke in history. Let us parade them through the streets and throw overripe Simon Cowell at them.
The genius behind this massive endeavour is Chris Morris, who orchestrated it all from his lavish secret office under BBC Broadcasting House. He will be officially revealed as the mastermind behind Radio 1 in an hour-long television special, in which he will be portrayed as a giant puppet god, laughing maniacally whilst hovering over a cardboard-cut-out building (representing BBC Broadcasting House). I had thought for a while that Radio 1 was a genuine radio station, and that the management's heads should be cut off and fed to Peaches Geldof - nice one Chris, you really had me!
The amount of detail and dedication Morris went to in pulling this off is just phenomenal - in having the station play the same few lame tracks over and over to drum them into the consciousness of sheeple all over the country, he managed to rig the music chart, revealing the entire mainstream music industry to be a sham. Double whammy! He used a prank to pull another prank. Prank inception.
It has become apparent that Nick Grimshaw isn't even a real person, it's just Morris putting on an annoying voice and talking about the X Factor. I am sorry to say though, however unlikely it may seem, Fearne Cotton is real and she won't be going away any time soon.
I am sure the rest of the story will be just as fascinating and astonishing. I can't wait to see the rest of the details on television next week. All I have to say is, well done Chris, you are a genius. I feel sorry for the mushy-brained divs who fell for it.
Tune into BBC Radio 6 Music for all your listening needs.