Now that the Australian election is done, and before we ignore politics for another three years, let's have a quick think about what a vote for Liberal or Labor really means.
It's not about the policies, the leaders, the stupid mistakes they make or the colour of their ties.
A vote for the Liberal Party means you're selfish.
A vote for the Labor Party means you want to waste money.
Vote Liberal if you have no hope for society.
Vote Labor if you have hope, and can cope with disappointment.
Vote Liberal if you think stuff everyone else, my money is for me.
Vote Labor if you believe in sharing for the good of society, but don't mind that a lot of it will be going to the public service. The most overpaid, overqualified and least effective workforce in all of human history.
Not much of a choice is it?
If you think the two major parties are basically the same, you're wrong.
Some of their policies might be similar, but what they stand for is completely different.
The Liberal Party believes in a small government with lower taxes, less money for health and other services, and making things as easy as possible for big and small business.
They believe that if you want something, go and get if for yourself. We're not going to help you. Then once you've got it, we're not going to take it off you.
The Labor Party believe in higher taxes to fund a larger public sector. Which provides basic levels of health, education and other core services for everyone, regardless of how much money they earn.
It's the poor execution of this philosophy that brings the Labor Party undone.
Now there's no man on this planet who I respect more than my Dad. We often disagree when it comes to anything but football.
This election, he voted Liberal and I voted Labor.
To my surprise, he agreed when I said that Liberal voters were selfish.
'So you don't care about helping other less fortunate than you?' I asked.
He said, 'Of course I do. What I don't believe in is throwing my money away on their problems. Especially when it's just wasted.'
When you put it like that Dad, it's difficult to argue. However, I'm going to have a go.
So I don't think the Labor Party lost votes because they did a bad job. They lost votes because everyone's doing so well.
On average, Australians have more money today than they ever have before, and they don't want to share it. Which is exactly why the Liberal Party won.
People used to vote for Labor because they had less money so were up for sharing, as they would end up with more.
That's the core of the problem right there. We're selfish, and that's something that hasn't changed. The only thing that has changed is that in 2013 we're selfish with more money.
This selfish attitude is everywhere.
We build roads instead of improving the public transport system, because we don't want to share a seat.
Stuff the environment, it's a lot cheaper to pretend that climate change doesn't exist.
Also, who needs the internet? I live in a city and its fast enough. Stuff anyone stupid enough not to live in a city.
Oh and rich people shouldn't pay more tax. Poor people should just work harder, and not get sick if they can't afford to.
Stuff foreign aid. If they want money, they can come to Australia and work for it. Like I do.
Actually, no they can't. Screw the asylum seekers. Giving more refugees a chance at a far better life in Australia is going to cost money.
We're not worried about refugees being terrorists, creating inner city slums or the crime rates skyrocketing. All we're worried about how much it's going to cost.
The public servants are the most selfish of all. Labor Goverments give them the chance to improve things, but they just squeeze out the biggest wages they can, in exchange for the smallest possible effort.
We're all for one, and that one is us. We're certainly not one for all.
With so many people in this country thinking only about themselves, maybe we've got the system that we deserve.
Where the most talented and intelligent people in this country don't go into politics where we need them, but stick to the private sector because it pays far better.
So despite what you might tell other people that you care about this election, and even what you tell yourself, remember the truth.
You voted for the Liberal Party because you believe that if you have money, you deserve a better life. That some humans are worth more than others.
Or your voted Labor because you have hope for a better world. And are prepared to be disappointed. Yet again.
Until we all stop being so selfish, none of this is going to change.
Actually, I voted Greens. Labor were my second last preference, just above the Liberals.
Sorry Dad, but please don't worry. I haven't changed my mind about anything important. Whatever happens, I will NEVER stop barracking for North Melbourne.
Xavier Toby is usually a writer and comedian. (www.xaviertoby.com)
However at the moment he's just really sad.
Catch Xavier at the Sydney Fringe from Sep 6 to 15:
http://2013.sydneyfringe.com/event/comedy/2013-when-we-were-idiots
Catch Xavier at the Melbourne Fringe from Sep 20 to Oct 5:
http://www.melbournefringe.com.au/fringe-festival/show/2013-when-we-were-idiots/