Newlyweds are often idealistic on their wedding day, blissfully unaware of all the annoyances, frustrations and less romantic moments of married life that lie ahead.
The traditional “to have and to hold from this day forward” vows may sound nice, but they don’t fully capture the realities of daily life as a married person.
We asked some of the hilarious husbands and wives of Twitter to share the honest wedding vows that most couples don’t think to make on their wedding day but should. Here’s what they came up with:
1. “I promise to tell you I don’t care where we go out to eat, yet when you choose the restaurant, it will always be the wrong one.” ― @3sunzzz
2. “I vow to not lose my sh*t when you seriously think that’s how to load a dishwasher.” ― @yenniwhite
3. “Do you promise to love and cherish him, even when he can never find his keys?” ― @sarcasticmommy4
4. “I vow to never complain about the noises you make in the bathroom every morning as long as you vow never to complain about my hair in the drain.” ― @Parkerlawyer
5. “I will never fart under the covers before you climb into bed.” ― @moooooog35
6. “I vow to always hate the same people on ‘House Hunters’ as you do.” ― @simoncholland
7. “I promise to listen to that one story from college that you’ve told 100 times, and still laugh.” ― @FatherWithTwins
8. “I promise that every time I go shopping I will hide half of my purchases in the back of my closet.” ― @3sunzzz
9. “I promise to never think about or even attempt to wash your clothes or put them in the dryer.” ― @deegeemindi
10. “Do you promise to cherish this woman and let her adjust the thermostat to whatever temperature suits her mood and outfit ’til death do you part?” ― @Lhlodder
11. “Do you promise to love and cherish her, even when she turns into a complete monster because she’s hangry?” ― @sarcasticmommy4
12. “I promise to never abandon you in order to sit on the toilet for 45 minutes or until the shape of the toilet seat is permanently tattooed on my ass just to get a break from the kids.” ― @WalkingOutside
13. “I promise to let you look for your lost stuff for hours and hours and then find it for you within 30 seconds.” ― @Cheeseboy22
14. “I promise to call and confirm that you really don’t want anything from the store.” ― @iwearaonesie
15. “I will always tell you if I’m falling asleep during a movie so you don’t watch 45 minutes of it before realizing it and then have to rewind and rewatch the same parts all over again.” ― @moooooog35
16. “My commitment to you is that I will never leave my food wrappers on the counter inches away from the trash bin.” ― @WalkingOutside
17. “I promise to always complain about the way you squeeze the toothpaste.” ― @3sunzzz
18. “I promise to keep the house full of wine, especially after we have kids.” ―@FatherWithTwins
19. “I promise to warn you that there are nachos on the bed before you sit down.” ―@iwearaonesie
20. “I promise not to ever think about or touch the decorative towels hanging up.” ― @deegeemindi
21. “Our wedding vows should have included a limit to the amount of shampoo bottles in our shower.” ― @simoncholland
22. “I vow to walk through life with you side by side, always together as we scroll on our phones.” ― @WalkingOutside
23. “I promise to throw away my old mix tapes if I don’t listen to them for more than 10 years.” ―@FatherWithTwins
24. “I vow to always breathe the other way in bed.” ― @WalkingOutside
25. “I promise not to move anything on the counter that isn’t mine.” ―@iwearaonesie
26. “In sickness and in health, but I’m going to need a note from a doctor first because you’re a hypochondriac.” ― @Parkerlawyer
27. “I promise not to get a mohawk without telling you beforehand.” ― @FatherWithTwins