Rihanna has perfectly summed up the sense of incredulity first time parents have when they bring their baby home from hospital.
In an interview with British Vogue – and a glorious cover shoot where she and rapper A$AP Rocky officially introduced their son to the world – the singer revealed the birth of her baby back in May 2022 was “beautiful” but that the “head-f**k” was real.
Aside from the obvious matter of sleep deprivation, the singer seemed most shocked by the fact they were allowed to just take their baby home and muddle through the next bit without any help – something lots of new parents, myself included, can relate to.
“We came home, cold turkey, had no one. It was just us as parents and our baby. Man, you’re a zombie for the most part,” she told the publication.
“You’re just going through the motions and even then you’re so paranoid. Because you’re like: they trusted us to come home with this baby? This new life? With us? No doctors, no nurses, we’re just… going home?”
I remember the feeling well. Less than two hours after our daughter was born my partner had to leave the hospital as it was midnight and “kicking out time”.
Completely dazed from labour, I was then rolled up to the ward on a wheelchair where I was promptly left with my newborn baby. She lay in the transparent crib by the hospital bed, her face all puffy and her eyes red-rimmed, and I stared at her and thought: “WTF do I do now?”
She was so tiny and fragile and it had been the hottest day of the year so the hospital was like an oven. I didn’t know whether she was too hot, or if I needed to feed her, or how to change her nappy (I had this intense fear that I’d hurt her back or something). I didn’t even really know how to hold her properly.
The next few days I spent a lot of time figuring that out. Kind but incredibly busy midwives came to help on occasion with latching her onto my boob and examining my perineal tear (the joys).
My milk took an age to come in so I had to contend with a screaming baby and didn’t really know what to do. Eventually I asked for formula and was given it – but only after I’d spent a good hour trying (and failing) to squeeze colostrum from my protesting nipples at the midwife’s request.
My partner was allowed to visit but not until 10am the following day because of Covid-19 visiting hours. I’d been too worried to leave my daughter to go and shower – what if she cried? Or something happened to her? – so I’d been sat in a bloody hospital gown since the night before.
I’ve never felt so out of my depth. When my other half did arrive it was like I could finally breathe. My shoulders dropped a little. I exhaled.
A day or so later the three of us were allowed home. And for the second time in 48 hours I felt completely out of my depth – but at least this time I wasn’t alone.
How do you work a car seat? How do you breastfeed? (My milk was still taking an age to come in). Then when it did come in it was: why is this so sore? We navigated the never-ending and colour-changing poos, the weird breathing noises that newborns make which is apparently totally normal(?!), the fragile neck, the crispy umbilical cord situation, the sheer weight of being responsible for a tiny baby while existing on three hours sleep.
Google became our best friend. As did our NCT WhatsApp group. We read books on baby development and what to expect in those first few weeks. So many questions were asked: is she breathing normally? Why is her eye weepy? Why does her skin look like it’s peeling?
There were health visits and the odd doctor’s check, but on the most part we just muddled through alone. And like every parent before us, we somehow managed.
I now look back on that time and feel proud at how I put one foot in front of the other – even when I felt completely overwhelmed. And it’s nice to know that even the powerhouse that is Rihanna is not immune to the feelings of paranoia and shock that come with bringing home a tiny life and being left to fend for yourselves.
Best of luck to the singer, who is now pregnant with her second child, on navigating it all again in a few months time – and embarking on a new journey and experience with two under two.