Once again, parenting styles have become the conversation du jour on the internet, this time courtesy of one Kira Osuna, who posted a video of her toddler drawing on the floor (with her full permission) on TikTok.
“Healing my inner child is letting my 2 year old colour on the kitchen floor while I’m cooking,” she wrote in the caption to the clip that has since gone viral. “She asked me first and I said yes. She tried to ask if she could colour on the cabinet and I said no and she listened. She knows this is only allowed right here. But she had the most fun and it can all be cleaned.”
As social media users are wont to do, they took to the comments section of the post to either exult the praises of Osuna’s rationale or to completely slam her parenting skills.
“Saying no won’t hurt your kid,” one user noted.
“It’s not healing anything other than letting your kid boss you around,” another commented. “This is what’s wrong with kids: parents are trying to be their friend.”
And then on the flipside, “This is how a true artist is created,” someone wrote.
Others also offered advice on how to continue being a “yes mom” without running the risk of ruining a home.
“You know what would be cool [?] Designate a wall in your house to tape on giant paper and that can be the colouring wall,” yet another follower suggested.
If there is one thing that Osuna’s post made clear, it’s that people have a whole lot of opinions when it comes to parenting. We asked child psychologists and family therapists to share their thoughts on this video and the commentary around it.
What kind of parent would let kids color on floors?
According to Courtney Morgan, founder of the mental health therapy practice Counselling Unconditionally, the viral TikTok video is a clear example of permissive parenting.
“Permissive parenting is characterised by relaxed or lack of rules,” she said.
Ronald Hoang, a registered clinical counsellor and psychotherapist, agreed with that assessment, specifically describing parents who are “child driven,” and who rarely enforce rules and overindulge offspring “in order to avoid conflict.”
Although both experts mentioned “yes moms” as similar in attitude to “permissive moms,” Morgan was clear to note that the video clearly highlights a snippet of Osuna’s parenting style and not her attitude toward rearing all around. After all, she did enforce a boundary when she said “no” to her child’s request to draw on the cabinets.
What are the benefits of being a permissive parent?
As mentioned by some commenters on TikTok, the experts said that Osuna’s decision to allow her child to draw on the floor will help foster a sense of creativity in her toddler.
“[She] allowed the child to be messy and creative, which is super important for toddlers!” Morgan said.
Saying yes also means that the child asked permission in the first place, which is important.
“Some benefits of saying yes to your children includes empowering them to ask for what they want, helping to create bonding experiences in some situations and decreasing power struggles,” Morgan explained.
Although Hoang said that a permissive parenting style gives children “complete agency to do and be what they want to do and be authentically themselves,” he was quick to note that drawbacks are to be taken into account as well.
What can go wrong with a permissive parenting style?
“Saying ‘yes’ to every single one of a child’s requests is not healthy for a child’s development,” Hoang said, adding that children may grow up thinking they are “the centre of the universe” and refuse to adhere to rules and boundaries throughout their lives. “By saying no once in a while where it’s necessary and appropriate, you’re showing your love to your child by helping them to develop a healthy understanding of what appropriate boundaries look like.”
Morgan added that allowing a behaviour at home that may not be permissible in other situations may cause confusion and impede a child from properly developing both a sense of self and a sense of the outside world.
“A couple potential drawbacks include difficulty problem-solving, difficulty managing emotions when being told no, creating conflict when the expectations are different in different settings, or creating enmeshment between parent and child,” explained the expert. “For example, the child may assume it is always OK to do what they asked to do (like drawing on the floor!) and receive consequences in another setting (like pre-school).”
Guidance from the experts we spoke with suggests that a balance of yeses and nos may be the best course of action to foster a sense of creativity in a child while also making sure they understand boundaries and guidelines, but one question remains: how many yeses are too many yeses?
Morgan emphasised that it’s not about the quantity of the yeses, but more about the context of them. “Whenever a parent is saying yes to something to avoid conflict or upsetting a child, that is too many,” she said.
But what if you really don’t want your child to draw on the floor?
Sometimes, parents are aware that allowing kids to indulge in their fantasies — including colouring the floors — can help foster their independence and growth. And yet, they just can’t come around to letting children be messy.
Turns out, there is a middle ground.
“If a parent doesn’t want to say no and wants to allow their child to draw, they could instead redirect on something more appropriate, for example,” suggested Hoang. “Say something along the lines of, ‘I can see you really want to draw. The floor is not for drawing, what else do you think you might want to draw on?’”
Morgan echoed those sentiments, proposing the following redirection instead: “‘I love your creativity! It’s important to me that the floors stay clean. Would you rather draw on this paper towel, or a coloured piece of paper?’”
According to the experts, the deflection allows parents to empathise with the child’s desire while still establishing boundaries. It also somehow gives the kid a bit of control by offering alternative options as opposed to outright dismissals.
One thing we’re sure of: being a parent is hard enough without having to spend an hour cleaning floors after a long day of child rearing.