I was having a conversation with a friend recently. She was a little upset and slightly shaken after having returned, unannounced, from work earlier than usual to find her boyfriend indulging in a spot of afternoon 'self-pleasuring'. Her issue was not that she interrupted a mid-morning masturbation session, but more that he was watching some light pornography whilst performing the act in question.
He was also wearing socks - most regrettable.
She recapped the events of the afternoon in full detail over a decaffeinated latte and pain au raisin fearing that, if he was seeking satisfaction from online porn, there must be something lacking in their relationship.
I have strong thoughts on the issue and, truth be told, found the fact he didn't view a wank session reason enough to remove his socks far more worrying than the fact that he felt aroused by pornography. Sex with socks on is possibly the most unsightly thing known to womankind. Masturbation with socks? Far worse.
So, as we were - Porn.
I've never really understood the issue with a good old dose of soft porn. Why, if anything, even when in a relationship, I welcome a bit of light pornography. In the case of my friend, I think her partner's interest in the same subject simply demonstrate that he has a healthy appetite for sexual activity, smokin' hot lesbians, cum-squirting college girls and lusty red heads begging for more. (delete where appropriate).
The thing which surprises me most about porn is not so much the endless stream of Photoshopped vaginas and hair-free ball-bags on show but the quality of the acting. You'd think that if one was going to post oneself naked, spread-eagled on YouTube, one would invest in a few night classes first. But perhaps, that is the point. Porn is not there to be emotionally analysed. It does not parade as acting or even remotely convincing. It is simply colour by numbers, easy to read, sexual fantasy fodder. Your partner watching it is likely to mean no more about your own personal sexual relationship than you fantasising about the builder working on next door's loft conversion whilst your boyfriend goes down on you. It's meaningless make believe.
Of course, there are issues that can arise around the subject and the need for porn as opposed to the simple enjoyment of it can lead to disharmony in the sack. It is also a justified concern amongst some, that the availability of porn online can distort the watchers' view on what is considered sexually 'normal'. Yes, in extreme cases it can be damaging, but in moderation, it can also be healthy.
So in reassurance to my friend I would say this. Celebrate the occasional porn fest, rejoice in the fact that sometimes you can give your boyfriend a laptop instead of a blow job while you have a long soak in the tub, with a good book and a large glass of Pinot Noir.
Now that's what I call self-pleasure.