There was a time in our lives when, thanks to films and 90s music videos, we believed that shower sex was actually a legitimate way to enjoy adult life.
But now, after having tried showering with someone other than ourselves, we feel an obligation to remind the world that ceramic tiles and precarious body parts are simply an accident waiting to happen.
Here are 15 reasons why shower sex is, quite honestly, the absolute worst.
1. The height difference.
Crucial parts do not match where they need to match.
2. The lack of space under the shower.
Those bad boys are designed for one person at a time.
3. The freezing cold.
Googling hypothermia does not maketh for good foreplay.
4. The waterboarding.
Either you’re out of the water or it is a torrent pouring down on your face.
5. The eye makeup.
We hope you think pandas are hot.
6. The lack of lubricant.
Contrary to common sense, water does not make things wet.
7. The slippery tiles.
You just try keeping your leg up here unsupported.
8. The mould.
Seriously regretting not cleaning the bathroom in months.
9. The fluorescent lighting.
Bathroom lights are not doing anyone any favours.
10. The shower curtain.
Having to peel it off your leg.
11. The exhaust fan.
Nothing like a fan whirring to get you in the mood.
12. The washing timetable.
When does the actual shampoo and condition happen?
13. The hot water running out.
Let’s speed this up.
14. The damp run to the bedroom.
Who forgot to bring a towel?
15. The housemates.
Everyone knows and no one is impressed.