I say this as someone who is currently 1.7 Pringles tubes and 2.34 pocket tissue packs down – dating is not for the faint of heart.
Between situationships, textationships, ghosting, and even zombie...ing(?), it feels like new ways to describe the pathway to buying bell hooks’ All About Love come at us every month.
But more often than not, it seems the issue boils down to this: one partner seems less keen than the other, and the less interested party fails to communicate their feelings.
This leaves the other person feeling confused, hurt, and unsure about where they stand.
So, I thought I’d ask dating expert and co-founder of app SoSyncd, Jessica Alderson, what to keep an eye out for if you’re starting to suspect your dating situation is getting a little one-sided. Here’s what she had to say:
1. Keep an eye on your communication
Anyone who’s had to ask themselves the dreaded “What are we?” question will understand how difficult establishing a relationship can be if your partner has a different style of communication than you.
As Jessica Alderson says, “If your partner isn’t willing to communicate with you or is avoiding difficult conversations, it’s a cause for concern because it indicates either a lack of emotional maturity or that they aren’t willing to invest in the connection.”
While the responsibility to communicate falls on both parties, ultimately, if every attempt you make to get deep falls on deaf ears, it might be time to move on.
2. Ask yourself how you *really* feel
When you’re crushing hard on someone, it can be tricky to separate your affection for that person from how you actually experience your time together.
Alderson says it’s important to make sure you don’t let an imagined potential stop you from seeing how your partner actually treats you.
“If the situation isn’t fulfilling your needs and you find yourself feeling unhappy or unappreciated, it may be time to move on,” she says.
Crucially, your date should never make you question your value. As Alderson says, “If you are continuously questioning your own self-worth as a result (of your dating setup) or wondering if you are ‘good enough’, it may be time to step away and focus on yourself.”
After all, you deserve a relationship that makes you feel great – not one that causes you to feel inadequate.
3. Yes, the little things do matter
Feel like you’re putting in more of the hard yards than your partner? Alderson says that little things like gifts, calls, and compliments really do add up.
As she says, “If you find yourself consistently putting in more effort than your partner, it’s a sign that the dynamic isn’t balanced, which can make you feel insignificant and devalued in the long run.”
Though effort can look different to different people – if you think your dating situation is worth saving but have an issue with reciprocity, it might be worth talking to your partner about their love language – ultimately, it’s a bad sign if you feel like your attempts at affection and communication aren’t returned.
In other words, yes, you are allowed to make text reply times a dealbreaker.
4. Are your expectations aligned?
One sure-fire path to romantic misery, Alderson says, is by staying with a partner who has different goals to you.
If they don’t seem to want the same level of commitment as you do, Alderson reckons that it might be time to call it quits.
“If you have come to the realisation that you want a committed relationship, but your partner isn’t ready to commit, it may be time to consider ending the arrangement”, she says.
If you’re starting to stress about where you two stand, it’s worth having an open and honest discussion about your dating goals.
And if getting to that chat in the first place feels uncomfortable and difficult, it’s worth considering Alderson’s comments on communication. Chatting to your partner about the things that matter to you should feel safe and easy, so it could be a red flag if having The Chat brings about a sense of dread.
So what’s the bottom line here?
Ultimately, if the communication, effort levels, and/or expectations in your dating situation are often leading you to feel unfulfilled, anxious, and hurt – much as it can sting – it might be time to call it a day.
Tough as it may be, as Alderson says, “it takes courage to walk away from something that is a source of connection and feels so safe and familiar.
At the end of the day, though, walking away from an unfulfilling dating scenario “can be the best decision you make, because it opens up possibilities for finding a fulfilling relationship that meets your needs.”
In other words, if you’re feeling unappreciated, it’s probably time to free up the line.