It’s been a bit of a week. Possibly the maddest week ever in British politics, and that’s saying something after the last two years. As MPs grappled with a Brexit meaningful vote, amendments and amendments to amendments, everything in Westminster was ludicrous. Here are some of the most stupid things that happened – not in chronological order, because let’s face it nothing makes sense anymore.
A ‘turd’ of a deal
Tory Steve Double spoke for many MPs when he summed up the choice before them at the beginning of this week. Theresa May’s deal, he declared on Tuesday, was a “turd of a deal”, which “has now been taken away and polished so that it is a polished turd”. The St Austell and Newquay MP added: “But it might be the best turd that we have before us.”
The Government whipped against its own motion - sort of
Tory MPs had been promised a free vote on whether there should be a no-deal Brexit on March 29. But then all hell broke loose. The Commons voted to amend the motion to rule out a no-deal forever, which effectively changed the motion they were voting on. Scrambling at the last minute to work out what to do, Tory MPs were then ordered to vote against the motion their own government had put forward. Confused? So was everyone. Four pro-EU cabinet ministers ignored their bosses’ orders, but remain in post, because what are rules anyway when everything is falling apart?
Political analysis
Pro-EU protester Steve Bray likes to stand close to TV cameras shouting “stop Brexit” as journalists try to interview politicians in Westminster. Damian Green, the former de facto deputy prime minister, called him a “wanker”. Succinct.
Cox and bollocks
On the morning MPs were due to vote on May’s Brexit deal for the second time, Westminster waited for the attorney general to deliver his legal decision on the agreement. His choice of words could swing the vote either way. At 9.03am, Geoffrey Cox delivered his verdict.
Steve Baker rebukes... himself
Make your mind up
Steve Baker was not the only MP to contradict himself within minutes. Brexit Secretary Stephen Barclay made the case in the Commons on Thursday for the government’s plan to extend Article 50. And then promptly voted against it. The plan he had just stood up to defend. Yes.
The Voice
It was one of the most important Commons speeches of Theresa May’s political career. So naturally she lost her voice. Full sympathy with the prime minister for struggling on.
A Maitlis mood
“It’s just rubbish.” An exasperated Emily Maitlis spoke for the nation on Newsnight as she confronted a panel of MPs about parliament’s inability to deal with Brexit. Her savage side-eye delivered while Barry Gardiner was explaining Labour’s position may have actually been her checking the studio monitors. But it was still perfect.
What were you trained for?
Brexiteer general Tory MP Mark Francois was not messing around. “I was in the Army, I wasn’t trained to lose,” he warned the prime minister. Twitter reacted with it’s usual decorum, as you can imagine.
We shall fight them on the beaches...
Not wanting to be out-machoed, former SAS reservist and ex-Brexit secretary David Davis was blasé about Brussels anger. “If we walk away, what can they do? They cannot invade you, can they?” he asked on LBC. Let’s hope not. But Given the potential traffic jams on the Kent motorways any invading army would probably get stuck anyway.
People’s Vote argues against a People’s Vote
Second referendum campaigners were given a chance to actually vote for one in parliament on Thursday. But the People’s Vote campaign decided it was a bit soon to have a People’s Vote. “We do not think today is the right time to test the will of the House,” it said in a statement. What does any mean anymore?
Well that’s that fixed
Away from Brexit. Conservative Scott Mann solved the problem of knife crime.
Conservative MP Johny Mercer tracked Mann down in parliament to take the piss.
Chris Grayling
No list of questionable political decisions is complete without Chris Grayling. The transport secreatry has identified a disused airport in Kent to be used as a lorry park in the event of a no-deal Brexit. But with just 15-days to go until the planned exit day, police found an unexploded wartime bomb on the site.
Grayling, who is still in the cabinet, also managed to awkwardly gate-crash Amber Rudd, Greg Clark and David Gauke as the rebel pro-EU ministers as they marched into No.10 following their decision to break the party’s three-line whip.