Welcome to Tabloid Roundup, a weekly romp through the more colourful end of the news stand.
If those FT headlines are getting you down and the Times has left you feeling a bit hopeless, why not lower your brow and enjoy our awards for the very best of all the rest?
Best free gift
If you're a fan of the Guardian's occasional wallcharts (recent favourite: 'Popular Dickens Characters') then buckle up, and get ready to accelerate into the free gift fast lane. This week alone, the canny tabloid reader could bag themselves enough food to make Jamie Oliver heckle a minister. Plus a duvet. And some Lego.
First prize goes to the Mirror for its recession busting £5 Aldi voucher which, by our calculations, equates to more than a kilogram of unbranded bacon.
Winner
Runner Up (that's right, it says 9 tog)
Honourable mentions
Wisest comment
If you are hungry, eat. If you are tired, sleep. If you are a traveller...
A clear win here for Leo McKinstry of the Daily Express, who shares his take on Buddhist philosophy with the Dale Farm evictees.
Best piece of investigative journalism
This week we would like to be freed from the shackles of modesty and give ourselves the honour of the award.
As the Mirror report that police are on the hunt for a cannibal killer on a Pacific island, we think we may have found the culprit. Virginia Blackburn of the Express has revealed her own terrifying penchant for man meat.
Our dossier has been passed to the police.
Best mid-market tabloid
The judges had all but decided that this award belonged to the Daily Mail, when alarming new evidence came to light. Scientists at the Daily Express have finally quantified their 'Newspaper of the year' claim and published the following peer reviewed study:
Clearest stance on the issue of Soft Justice
The Sun battles to a narrow victory in a hard fought category.
Badges will be on sale soon.
Most appropriate number of nipples
Is it the Sun (2), the Star (4), or the Sport (68)? Answer: none of the above.
It's the Express that steals the show yet again, with a sobering total of no-nipples-at-all. In a brave editorial decision that leaves the Observer's Review section looking like a tawdry self-help manual, the paper has extended its 'No Female Nipples' policy to include seventeenth century works of art.
By the way
That's all for now. We leave you with just one final thought.
If blogs had grandfathers, Peter Hill would be ours. Try as he might, the former Express editor's attempts to stir us up into a reactionary fervour somehow have the opposite effect, and leave us with a warm and comforting glow. This time it's rave-ups, discos, and jamborees that have him all in a tither. Peter, we love you.