While other people think that the major milestones in adulthood include getting a mortgage and locking down a spouse, you know that the biggest marker of success is managing to keep a plant alive for longer than six weeks.
Despite what everyone else says, those potted nightmares exist purely to get soil all over our house and then plague us with guilt when they die prematurely.
So in celebration of National Gardening Week (10-16 April) we’re looking at the 12 things all terrible plant parents know to be true.
1. Buying plants to teach yourself how to care for something other than yourself.
2. Forgetting to water them for several weeks.
3. Watering them for hours on end to ease your guilt.
4. Realising you have no time for the neediness of other living things.
5. Learning that people lie about how easy it is to kill a cactus.
6. Wondering how a cactus thrives in the desert but can’t survive your parenting.
7. Trying to salvage the devastation with emergency pruning.
8. Giving up when you realise it is a completely lost cause.
9. Hating anyone who is naturally green fingered.
10. Having new found respect for your parent’s garden.
11. Knowing that if you had to grow your own food you would be dead.
12. Being genuinely concerned for your future human children.