Do you think there are things that only a man or only a woman can do? I’m hoping we’re on the same page and that, like me, you would also answer ‘no’. So what about a father or a mother? On Sunday, actor Terry Crews angered a sizeable portion of Twitter, stating that he believed kids who didn’t have both a father and a mother would suffer for it. In a debate that began about blackness and parenting, but then extended to discussing gender, Crews said in a now-deleted tweet:
“Same sex couples and single parents can successfully raise a child...but I believe paternal AND maternal love are like vitamins and minerals to humanity. No matter where you get that paternal and maternal love. MY purpose is to give paternal love.”
After one user rebutted that children raised by one gender will not starve because of it, Crews continued: “But they will be severely malnourished.” Later, he would delete this tweet and apologise for his choice of words.
Crews’ statements are damaging, but they aren’t new – with two thirds of gay dads specifically saying that they face stigma. When I was working on a longitudinal research project on same-sex parents and their children’s outcomes at Cambridge, my own observations, and the literature in the field, overwhelmingly refute ideas like Crews’.
Where does Crews’ prejudice stem from? The obvious answer is pervasive homophobic and sexist ideas – perhaps that queer parents are inferior to heterosexual ones, or that some elements of parenting are specific to gender, particularly the concept that care is specific to mothers. But in terms of research, all signs point away from Crews. A strong body of empirical work, that continues to be built upon, finds that on emotional, social, psychological and behavioural outcomes, children of same-sex parents do just as well, if not better than their peers. But negative attitudes still persist.
Ideas about children being ‘malnourished’ without a mum and a dad also echoes the stigma against single-parent families – whose children are more likely to experience emotional and behavioural problems, and more likely to be in poverty. But in this case poverty is the key factor, as families who split are more likely become financially unstable, which can present other difficulties. There’s nothing inherently damaging about not having either a dad or a mum. But whether you have one parent or same-sex parents, what’s been found to be most important is stability, and high-quality relationships between parents and children.
The fact that children of same-sex parents do well shouldn’t be surprising – anyone who knows a family with two dads or two mums will likely be aware of how overwhelmingly dedicated same-sex parents often are. On my research project on same-sex parent families, I saw many happy homes, with parents who were incredibly invested in their children’s outcomes. And why wouldn’t they be? Gay fathers and lesbian mothers rarely conceive accidentally or ambivalently – whether parents opt for artificial insemination, IVF, surrogacy or adoption, the process takes planning. There’s often a greater buildup to feeling in a stable place to start a family, whether that means financially, psychologically or emotionally. For those who adopt in particular, parents would talk about the stress and stringency of sitting in front of a panel of people who decide whether you are ‘fit’ to parent or not. For so many reasons, including societal stigma, the bar is set unimaginably high for same-sex parents. As a result their children are rarely short of love, stability, or care – the conditions that can help children thrive.
A lot of panic around same-sex parents also surrounds role modelling and gender, but these concerns are as inaccurate as they are dangerous. For starters, evidence suggests that children get the majority of their ideas about gender from far beyond what they see at home; from extended family, but also what they see in the media and society. But this of course sparks an important question: what are the gendered outcomes we’re looking for in children anyway? If a child doesn’t have both men and women role models in their immediate family, what is your fear – that your boys won’t grow up to be ‘masculine enough’, or your girls, ‘feminine enough’? We should be highly suspicious of the idea that learning traditional gender roles is a good or desirable thing at all. As long as children are happy and well-adjusted, there is no set ‘correct’ course for gender development, and it’s very possible to have role models of all genders.
And amongst all the defensive arguments that argue that same-sex parents are ‘just as good as’, it’s important to emphasise that there are wholly unique benefits to same-sex parent families. Some researchers are keen to emphasise these differences that same sex parents bring – such as often having greater empathy because of their own experiences of marginalisation; having more open attitudes to gender and liberation; and showing greater sensitivity in potential conversations about their own children’s sexualities. In the face of negative perceptions, we should be critical and reflective of potential huge positives that come from growing up in a same-sex parent household.
Stating that children need a mum and a dad to thrive hinges on the idea that there’s something inherently different about the way that men and women parent, but that’s not true. Same-sex parents can not only provide equal outcomes to more ‘traditional’ family forms; there are differences that result from having two mums or two dads that can and should be celebrated. There’s nothing ‘deficient’ about having a family that looks different to the cookie-cutter diet of the traditional nuclear family we’ve been raised on. Crews can rest assured, same-sex parents overwhelmingly raise children that are happy, well-adjusted, and gloriously nourished.