Given their profession, divorce attorneys have a unique point of view when it comes to marriage. (Though it’s not as cynical as you might think.)
They’ve seen the good, the bad and the ugly of relationships, and learned what to steer clear of in their own marriages.
Below, they share the bad habits they personally try to avoid with their spouses.
They don’t check their partner’s phone.
New York divorce attorney Marilyn Chinitz, a partner at the firm Blank Rome, said she would never go through her husband’s emails or text messages ― or his pockets.
“If you find yourself in a position where you want to do that, it already tells you there’s a problem in the marriage,” she told HuffPost. “If I was suspicious enough to start snooping around, that’s a big issue.”
Plus, checking your partner’s phone without permission just establishes (or perpetuates) a pattern of secretive behavior in the relationship.
“If you want a lasting marriage, you need to have trust,” Chinitz said. “Your partner should also always be earning that trust. If they aren’t, well, that’s a red flag.”
They don’t make jokes or empty threats about divorce.
Atlanta divorce lawyer Randy Kessler said clients often threaten to end their relationship “thinking that will make their spouse change their behavior.”
“Unfortunately it usually has the opposite effect of making the spouse start to prepare for a divorce and plan for it, making it more likely,” he told HuffPost. “So I try very hard to be sure to not even joke about getting a divorce. Especially considering my day job as a divorce lawyer.”
They don’t blame their partner.
The relationship conflict is “almost never one person’s fault,” said North Carolina divorce attorney Nicole Sodoma.
In a healthy dynamic, both partners can recognize their mistakes and each take accountability for their part, rather than wasting time pointing fingers at each other.
“If I was suspicious enough to start snooping around, that’s a big issue.”
- Marilyn Chinitz, divorce attorney
“Unless there is actual evidence — outside of your emotional damage — the blame game is almost always going to create additional conflict,” Sodoma, author of “Please Don’t Say You’re Sorry,” told HuffPost. “The more conflict there is, the less likely you are able to compromise and find resolution.”
They don’t hide their finances.
Many of Kessler’s clients feel like they don’t have a clear picture of their marital finances. If someone is being cagey or withholding when it comes to money, it doesn’t bode well for the future of the relationship.
“If it’s a true partnership, why not be aboveboard about finances?” he said. “Whether there is a prenup or not, I’m a believer in spouses knowing their full family financial situation. Not to share that information is tantamount to saying, ‘I don’t trust you.’”
They don’t argue over text or email.
Digital communication “can easily be misconstrued, especially in tone,” and is “ill-advised for any substantive message,” said New York divorce lawyer Dana Stutman, partner at Alter Wolff Foley & Stutman.
You’re better off having more serious conversations in person, when you can convey your message through facial expressions, body language and tone of voice in addition to your words.
Plus, when things are heated, “it is all too easy to type things that you would likely not say to someone in person,” Stutman told HuffPost. “Just don’t hit the send button — an obvious rule, but harder to live by when you’re angry or upset.”
They don’t say things they can’t take back.
As Kessler said, “It’s very hard to ‘unring the bell.’” So he tries to steer clear of name-calling and cursing in his marriage.
“Even if it’s totally warranted, calling your spouse an a-hole or similar will resonate and they will remember that above any other part of your conversation,” he told HuffPost.
Chinitz offered a similar observation: “Once it comes out of your mouth, it’s never forgotten.”
That’s why it’s important for couples to learn how to resolve conflict in a healthy way.
“This means avoiding below-the-belt insults, or going after insecurities or their family, for example,” Chinitz said. “Arguments should come from a solution-oriented place.”
She tries to infuse her words with humour when she can, as it often “takes the sting” out of an argument.
“If I can make my husband laugh during the most heated argument, it helps us come back down to earth and have a conversation that ultimately yields a solution,” Chinitz said.
They don’t stop their partner from pursuing their own hobbies and friendships.
Chinitz said she wouldn’t tell her husband that he couldn’t do something or go somewhere that “piques his interest.” She doesn’t restrict her husband’s freedom, because she knows it’s important to the health of a partnership to maintain independence.
“You should not be threatened by your spouse having friends, traveling or having interests that you do not share,” she said. “Independence enhances a marriage.”
For Chinitz, that means traveling to Europe for weeks with her kids and going on bike rides with her friends.
“When I come back, my husband and I are excited to see each other,” she said.
“We discuss it all — the people I met, the things I saw — and it brings a dialogue to our relationship. After 38 years together, that dialogue is very important.”