The 101 Most Important Things I Learned In My 20s

I turned 30 recently and I'm feeing all kinds of empowered, sensual and liberated.

This has been a gradual - often very painful and tumultuous - journey up to this point. Very early on I committed to searching, to working on myself and to being a conscious participant of my life. The significance of age seemed to me a pivotal juncture and celebrating yet another birthday always gives me reasons to be still, to remember, and to celebrate life in gratitude.

In looking back at the path a number of things came to mind with regards to what I've learned and come to hold as true. I remembered that exactly a year earlier I had noted some of those learnings in a short gratitude post I wrote after my younger brother Solomzi returned from ukoluka (the rite of passage of becoming a man). The list below started with remembering those and quickly I arrived at a list of 101 things my twenties taught me. This was a reflection exercise: to take stock, shake things off, and refocus before the next decade.

Witnessing the nascent view from where I now stand is healing in many ways. I found that it spoke to both my 20-year-old self as well as the 30 year old I'm getting acquainted with.

I share it because I want to and because part of my personal creed moving forward is to live openly and honestly; not to hold back on who I am based on fears that are usually founded on what the 'world' or other people might think; and because I believe that when you learn, you should teach.

Here are 101 things my 20s taught me:

1. There is no experience too great to justify bitterness, resentment and a hateful heart. There isn't; it just poisons the bearer, and disrupts with the general chi of the world. Let things go. Forgive. Free your heart.
2. Be yourself, and true while you're at it. There is someone who will love and accept, you just as you are.
3. People will hurt and disappoint you. The world is filled with wolves in sheep clothing and that is fact. Take it in, learn, keep it moving and seek those that give light and love to your path, and that of others, and for people that fill your energy with positivity and fortitude.
4. Family is the greatest gift we're given. We don't choose our family, but as long as I remain imperfect, I'm going to love even when I'm hurt or disappointed, forgive each time, and choose the road of harmony and grace. None of us is perfect. I think about the hearts and minds I get to call my own; my cousins, uncles, nieces and nephews, siblings and parents, and I smile with a great knowing. Cherish them. Honour them.
5. On the subject of grace. I get it, and its one of the most important things. My mother has taught me a thing or two about that. Live in grace, love in grace, disagree in grace, and give in grace.
6. Friends. They come and go, but then there are the few that you must hold onto, even if they arrived yesterday. Sometimes you grow apart from each other, and make your way back, and sometimes you never do. And that's ok - you don't have to be friends with everyone. Hold on to is this: humans thrive off of freedom and space. Allow others that gift and don't take things personally. Real friendship endures.
7. Tradition, ritual, and ceremony. Tradition is important because it brings family together strengthening cultural bonds. Ritual seals and honours the latter. Ceremonies give us reason to get together, for cohesion; they punctuate the significant moments of our lives... the sacred hour. The practice creates space to express gratitude to the ancestors and the universe while acknowledging a transition or a rite of passage, a beginning. It marks the arrival of new life, or of death.
8. My Black is beautiful. Everything about my being a black woman was gracefully intended. There's rhythm in my being, soul in my strut, and rhapsody in my intent. Learning to love my blackness has been the greatest gift I've given myself.
9. One. Day. At. A. Time (and other times, an hour at a go). Some days, that is all you can muster.
10. Learn to say no. Saying no doesn't make you a bad person. Learn to say no gracefully, with no excuses as embellishments. Be true to yourself, be firm, be direct.
11. Distance yourself from the opinions of others. Intentionally learn not to give a damn about what 'they' have to say. Of course there's the few exceptions worth noting. At any rate, only you can sing your song; only you can dance your dance.
12. You have to accept yourself first, before you can become who you want to be.
13. I looked in the mirror. I found that I was everything I was looking for. Look in the mirror. You are the person who can change your life. It's called mirror work and its restored the love I have for myself.
14. Find your own inner gifts. You are the most gifted you, that you will ever be.
15. Letting go is an art. Let things go. Make art.
16. The true healer is the one who heals herself first, so that others can benefit from her own healing.
17. To find love, I have to find it in my own self first.
18. I've learned that everything you're going through is preparing you for all that you've asked for.
19. I've learned to love and take care of my body. It's the most extraordinary instrument l'll ever own. The house I live in. Don't be afraid of the shape and nuances of your body or what others think of it. Also, you are what you eat.
20. Meditation has helped me dissolve the veils of illusion and to connect to my higher self, that place of peace and knowing. It silences the constant chatter of the mind, reintroducing peace, creativity, and focus. Wisdom can be heard in the silence.
21. Learn to clear blockages in your heart.
22. Mama was and is still very right about many things. Yes, cotton underwear is better for my lady parts, some clothes will have to be hand washed, and, life's easier when you make the bed shortly after waking up.
23. From whatever angle, chipped nail polish just. does. not. work.
24. You don't choose your family (see point 4), but you don't have to put up with some of the negativity that can at times be directed at you - some of the closest people to us don't wish us well. This doesn't warrant bitterness. No. Forgive but cut the chords. You have to know that there are certain things you don't have to put up with just because you're family. The world is filled with beautiful beings and you're allowed to choose those that empower and make your life wholesome. Your life doesn't have to be dictated by your family: make your own way.
25. Don't believe everything you think. We have a natural tendency to tell ourselves stories that justify what we're doing or failing to do. We have a natural tendency to allow our stories to impersonate facts.
26. Initiations are the gateway for spiritual enlightenment. Initiations open the path to the state of Oneness with all that is. Once at this point, the (YOUR) inner light serves as your true guide. Note to self: life is the initiation.
27. We've perverted the word God and the messages related to peace, light love and 'enlightenment'. By accepting definitions (created by whoever the definers are) set for us, we do it at the expense of having our own lived experience and understanding of truth. There's a God/Life force, source that breathed life into us (humans) and every living thing. Knowing that source is transforming.
28. The real purpose of life is to be happy, to enJOY your life. Strive to get to a place where you're not trying to get to that next step - somewhere where you're not. The NOW is all you need. It is where JOY resides.
29. Embrace failure. It emancipates the soul far more powerfully than success (which is can be the cousin of ego) ever will.
30. We're all carrying our own load. Try hard to express compassion to those you encounter.
31. You don't have to have proof of danger or betrayal once your senses have hearkened to it. Energy and intuition are far more accurate than the erratic mind. Our intuition is all knowing. Trust it.
32. Share your truth, however painful. You have lived it for a reason, and there's a strong chance that it can empower someone needing to hear it. Speaking your truth liberates - me and others.
33. Take stock of how far you've come, and celebrate your path in the NOW. Life can get really heavy at times. Simply celebrating your wins, no matter how small, changes your mood, giving an accurate representation of reality.
34. Faith can exist outside of religion and spirituality. Endeavor to exercise faith in all that you do and witness how the universe responds.
35. You were born beautiful, and need nothing more than all that you are. You don't have to shave your legs or anywhere else, you don't have to change the nature of your hair, picking and prodding everywhere, to be 'beautiful'... You're beautifully, complete.
36. Visualisation is a powerful tool that can assist in helping you map and unlock your goals and dreams. It's a tool to 'live on purpose'. I made my first vision board at eighteen and I've made dozens since - it's not a bogus thing. They work!
37. I've learned that I have the same source, the same infinite intelligence, as the sun and the stars. The grass doesn't strain to grow; which tells me that I don't have to suffer to be. Just be.
38. Depression is very real. Denying your truest nature and deepest wishes aggravates an already strong state of mind. In my case depression was a spiritual birth emerging from within me. Trust what calls you, even if you don't recognize it within the world we live in. Denying ourselves what speaks to us creates a mental hell.
39. It's ok to go back home, if you want to, or need to. Sometimes we have to be surrounded by those that love and know us, before we can get up and start again. There's no shame in it. Community is important and society has created the illusion of separation, leading a lot of us to believe that we're alone. Again, we don't all have to live by what the world prescribes or what the majority believes.
40. To know the (bitter) truth of this world is to be potentially labeled as a conspiracy theorist. For yourself, look into the food and pharmaceutical industry (and it goes on) - try not to hate the system, but rather see how your life and personal choices can positively influence yourself, the community, and slowly, slowly... the world. Start with Zeitgeist and Earthlings on YouTube, and there's a plenty at www.thoughtmaybe.com
41. People label others 'rebellious' by their sheer cheekiness to be themselves. A little madness is genius and it's tiring trying to be anything but yourself. Live and let live and be fucking cheeky!
42. The end of the story is rarely the end of the story. Don't just believe what people tell you. Find your own understanding and go beyond 'the end'.
43. We become what we believe in. Our thoughts shape our reality.
44. Things won't bring you happiness. We live in a society that teaches us to want more than we need, and that until the day we have what we want, we won't be happy. This is not true. You have everything you need within; and while things may enhance your sense of happiness (which should not be confused with joy) happiness resides within, and can be attained in the absence of things.
45. It's ok to make mistakes.
46. Energy is everything. Be aware of your environment and how it affects your energy and flow. Beware the energy vampires and accept that sometimes those we get along with the best aren't always the healthiest for our highest selves.
47. Dreams do come true. They just need you to completely believe that you can have them, and that you deserve them, and your intentioned faith and action will manifest them. You can be, do, and have anything you want. You have to catch a spark of what your life can be.
48. Be defiant in your quest for self-love. Be relentless in the fight for yourself, for freedom, for love, and for truth.
49. You're the only person that can free yourself from your own limited and destructive beliefs you hold in your mind. When they refer to hell, I believe this was in fact what was meant. How much mental effort are you willing to give in order to change your life? You certainly can.
50. Be yourself. But you have to find out who that is before you can. Seek it earnestly.
51. You have the choice to make your life what you want it to be. Life doesn't have to be imposed on you.
52. Affirmations. Affirmations. Affirmations. The real remedy for the cycle of self-hate and damaging self-talk. Affirmations are positive statements that build you up and nurture self-love. They may feel weird in the beginning and you may reject yourself at first but they really do work. They changed my life and helped me to see the awe with me.
53. Journal. It allows a third party view into your experience of life; to process, to reflect, to entomb experience.
54. 'Nothing softens the wounds of your ancestors than the sweetness of your existence.' I am here because of the sacrifice and prayers of my ancestors. They dance and breath within these veins. To that degree, my life now, is inspired and called on by their lives, then. Chosi.
55. Life is fun (there's an affirmation)! If you'll adjust the way you look at things, the things you look at will change.
56. Learn to see other women as your divine feminine extension. We're all connected. There's dignity and strength in loving and trusting one another. There's divinity in our kinship. We're but a drop in the same ocean.
57. Land is an extremely important matter for many more reasons than mere ownership and economic ambition. It is at the core of culture, our way, our ceremonies, and our rituals and ceremonies ache without our piece.
58. Eish. We're not all going to get degrees and PHDs. Life wasn't supposed to be designed that way for us all. I was so hard on myself for the longest time for having only aquired diplomas as my 'highest level of education', comparing myself to others. Most of the greatest gifts of wisdom I've received have been outside the classroom and I continue to learn. Life is my thesis. One day soon I'll go back and study. And it will be because I'm at a point where I want to study because something interests me, and not merely because it's a societal prescription.
59. Awareness - of yourself and how you feel, how people make you feel, food, music, as well as your surroundings - is key. By tuning into yourself, you're more able to know where you are, what needs to change and to strike that vital balance. Following your breath is the easiest way to get to this place.
60. Try your hardest to find out what it is that you love to do, that makes your heart sing. And do it! Because that's why you are here. Even if it's for 15 minutes on a Sunday morning. You'll always regret not heeding the call you were born for. There's something within all of us that we must express. You know, you're here for a reason.
61. To be gentle, patient and kind to yourself.
62. You're allowed to put yourself first.
63. The Matrix was a documentary.
64. Death is a part of life. If you stay present in its presence, it can transform you.
65. Cry. It can be the most cleansing experience, and by learning the skill of surrendering to those moments completely, you're presented with a gift... a lesson. Part of loving yourself is feeling, your feelings.
66. Value yourself. Truly and deeply. Praise yourself and note when you're doing good; even if it's simply for showing up for work. Be willing to accept good – you are deserving, darling!
67. With the above in mind. Acquire the language you need to negotiate a fair and pleasing salary. A lot of corporations will exploit their workers to get maximum return. Know your worth and challenge your employer and yourself to step up to this.
68. Travel. Travel. Travel. Don't use money as an excuse. Travel is accessible to most, and it all depends on how you prioritize this wish. It's as simple as visiting family in a town or province you've never been to before.
69. Don't be afraid to love. It took me long enough, but it is your birthright, and the best place to learn yourself, as well as the true meaning and resolution of life.
70. It's ok to change your mind. Even last minute. Listening to your deeper feeling is far more imperative. You don't have to explain yourself.
71. You can put the bra away, if that's what you want. They're bloody uncomfortable and some breasts are made to jiggle and dance.
72. Yoga. The word yoga means union and I've found peace and balance of body, mind and spirit. It's sooo good for your soul and an ode to the limbs.
73. Heal your sexuality. This part of our lives is linked to so many bliss points of being human. Sexuality that is not healed and liberated can inhibit your ability, confidence, self worth, creativity and so many other things.
74. It's your birthright to embrace your sensuality. This is where your feminine prowess resides. There is nothing 'sinful' about what was naturally imbued into your being if it supports your highest self and values. To understand your highest values, you have to 'know thyself'. And when you do, you'll respect this sacred act. When engaged in with sincerity, it's another pathway to higher realms.
75. Regardless of what someone else says, not matter how hateful or affirming, you choose how you respond. You choose whether it makes you mad or sad, and whether it keeps you humble, or inflates the ego.
76. Aspire for low overheads. There's a fine balance between having what you want and doing what you want. The more you have what you want, the less you'll be able to do what you want. Traps within the system to avoid.
77. Truth. A large part of pharmaceutical companies are driven by the bottom line, and line the pockets of politicians signing off policies. Your apparent sickness means wealth to some, all around the world. Seek out alternative health-care providers, learn about life giving food stuffs, and start experiencing for yourself the benefits you can enjoy without drugs and surgery. Natures medicine has NO side effects. You have to take responsibility for your own healing. See point 41.
78. If you're going to be part of the human tribe, you have to take responsibility for your own sphere of influence, and the challenges in and around your community. It cannot always be the president, the government... etc. each person also needs to be accountable to society and 'be the change they wish to see'..
79. I stopped criticizing myself. Make a vow that you'll just stop with all of that. You're fine the way you are until you apply the changes you desire for your life. Accept yourself, as you are.
80. We're told we 'should' do this (be married by a certain age, have babies, own that...), or, 'we shouldn't do that'. No. There are no rules, but the patterns of the masses. You live your life, exactly as you envision it.
81. Experience has taught me to never base my decisions on the opinions of those who don't have to deal with the outcome.
82. It's ok to break a promise or to change your mind about a decision already made if it no longer suits your highest purpose.
83. The souls journey always begins once you leave your comfort zone. In the spiritual realm there is no pain. Its known as change and learning.
84. Breaking bread with those you love is always far more enjoyable, and even memorable with the phone off.
85. You're allowed to think about something, for as long as it takes to think about, until you come to a decision about it.
86. Play... For tomorrow you will be old.
87. I am worthy. You are worthy.
88. Expand your vocabulary.
89. You have to start with believing you can. Because you can. And then, you will.
90. If you feel like dressing up, dress up. Even if you're not going anywhere. Who said there needs to be an occasion to whip out your favourite garments. You matter; do anything to remind you of that.
91. Follow your instincts. They really do guide you.
92. You don't have to take a photo of everything or update your social media - blow-by-blow about your life. Some things are so much sweeter when they're for yourself and your people. Many people don't really care anyways, and so much is missed while updating.
93. (Black) Consciousness is paramount. Privilege and monuments must fall, but it should not be at the expense of serenity and balance of your mental health. I've seen so many people build hate in their hearts in the name of the movement which damages the intent for black love and black determination. It's all rooted in love. Energies should be preserved for envisioning and building our futures, undoing what does not serve us and remembering and celebrating what does.
94. Black determination and cultural pride does not equate white hate - which is a distraction. I don't have to explain the importance of the two to anyone that finds it uncomfortable; it is not my duty to educate my white friends either.
95. Read. Don't burden your homosexual, black or 'other' friends with your questions related to their struggles and lived experience. If you don't know, empower yourself with a book. Read.
96. You have to learn to stand up for yourself. If you don't, your spirit gets thwarted. Learn to express your deepest feelings without guilt.
97. With the above in mind. You have to learn to fill your own cup first, before you can love anybody else. What spills over the cup, is what others can enjoy. Don't give from an empty or half full cup. Learn to give to yourself, as you so generously do to others, first.
98. Get quiet enough to listen and to hear yourself.
99. There are thousands of sperm that took the route you took. YOU, made it. This my friend, means you matter. Your life has real meaning and purpose in this world.
100. You have to give yourself the opportunity to digest the wisdom you have attained - which can at times go far beyond your own limited understanding - before you can integrate it into your life. The nature of change.
101. The black African child needs to be invested with a new morality: our divine tufts of hair, the defiant arch at our backs and our irrepressible culture is beautiful and adequate. Also, sidenote: the black child needs animation features with heroes and characters who look like them. Kancane. Kancane.

I'm an ever evolving being and know that this list will continue to change and grow. For now, here's to the dirty thirties. ;)