It's that time of year, over half way to Christmas. To distract yourself you can go to the Edinburgh Festival (in Edinburgh), where you can go and watch people talking in rooms. Over eighty billion hundred comics go to the Edinburgh festival every year so they can talk to people in a room. If the people like what they say, they get to come back the following year and talk to more people in a bigger room. Eventually if enough people like them they will get to be on the television box, and no-one will have to leave their rooms to hear them talk in the first place, and everyone will be happy.
I am going to talk in a room at the Edinburgh Festival this year. I would rather stay at home in my own room, but I have to pay for that room, and aged 36 the only thing I can do to pay for my room is to talk to people in other rooms. The plan is to go to Edinburgh and get people to write about how much they like watching me talk in a room. Then one day I can get paid to talk directly into people's rooms via the box. This will pay for me to have a whole series of rooms, and I won't have to talk to anyone anymore. This is the dream. Only you can help me realise this.
Things I won't be talking about in my Edinburgh show:
1. Gay bus drivers.
2. People who walk slow then fast.
3. Non Gay Bus drivers.
4. Blaxploitation.
5. A street piss that looked like a shadow of a ghost.
6. Sharks in the distance that turn out to be lies.
Things I intend to talk about in my Edinburgh show.
1. Non Bus Drivers.
2. Gambling with other people's vital organs and/or cash.
*Disclaimer - please bear in mind that it cannot be guaranteed that any item featured on the list will or will not appear in my show or any other show at the Festival.
Section Two
It is tres importante (French) that comedians pack the correct equipment in order to survive the Edinburgh Festival, it is only a month long, but can sometimes feel up to three days longer than that.
1. Condoms (x100)
2. More condoms (x20) (these are to use as currency with locals)
3. A mirror (can be used to help to deflate ego).
4. Vegetables (sparse)
5. Bus driver's uniform. (Gay or UnGay)
6. Two copies of 'Pirates of the Caribbean'. (One for Saturdays, the other for during the week).
*Disclaimer: This is not a disclaimer.
Section Three
If you have got this far, there may be something wrong with you. I like to think we could one day become friends. You'd be scared at first but in the long run in it would work out.
*Disclaimer: There is no meaning or point to any of the above words, this is a thinly veiled attempt at publicity to claw back thousands I will spend on performing a show. If I get three pounds out of this, it will have been worth it, less than three and this is a total waste of everyone's lives.