The human mind can be deceiving at times. But if you're suffering from a mental illness, it becomes your enemy. It makes you believe things you don't want to believe. It makes you think about things you don't want to think about. It makes you feel useless when you're not useless at all. It can completely overpower you and it forces you to think negatively. No matter how hard you try to stay positive, your own mind doesn't like positivity and wants to make you suffer.
In my experience, I did not think I had a future. I did not see much point in trying to succeed when I didn't see myself having a future. I needed a shining light and I thought I found it, but I ended up causing it to fade and then completely disappear. I wanted to believe I had a future. I did not want to feel like I didn't. But I couldn't help it. My own mind was constantly negating my beliefs. It is easy saying that I should have faith in myself. But I was suffering from depression and severe anxiety; the word "faith" was not in my vocabulary - my mind removed it and did not want that word to exist and refused to let me know about it. My mind took joy in seeing me suffer and I felt that I was too weak to handle it, even though I know I can be strong enough to battle it. But like I said, the word "faith" was not in my vocabulary.
I didn't know what else to do. I ended up thinking about doing drastic things - one drastic thing in particular. Suicide. It is very common for people - particularly my main demographic, men aged 18-45 (42% to be exact) - to consider it. But very few talk about it or have the strength to stop thinking about it. Ironically, it was thinking about it that made me more motivated to conquer my illness and make the most of my life. Those thoughts were soon juxtaposed with thoughts about my friends and my family and how they would be affected. More lives would be ruined, not just one. And I just would not let that happen to them. I was determined to defeat the evil in my mind.
Is this conquerable? The answer is yes, but only the sufferer can beat it. You can attend as many therapy sessions as you want and take antidepressants every day, but in the end, your strength and your willingness are what matters. But sometimes, you have to try harder, even if you believe it's the best you can do. It is impossible to escape from your own mind when you are suffering from a mental illness. Having your own mind hate you and want you to suffer is an absolutely horrible feeling, and it makes you think that you can end the suffering by doing something drastic. You don't want to do something drastic, you feel that you need to just to end the pain. You feel that your life is at a dead end and no matter how hard you try to change your life around, you think that it's not enough, when it isn't true whatsoever.
Mental illness is immensely difficult to handle. It can destroy you. It can even destroy your family and friends if the worse happens. You feel like you are at a loss when you're not. You feel there is nothing more you can do when there is. All you have to do is to be courageous. Get help and ask for support from your family and friends because without either help nor support, you're letting your tainted mind win. You cannot defeat mental illness on your own; it is virtually impossible.
The only person who can change your life is you. Try your very best and ask for help and support and you can relinquish the evil in your mind and make you believe again. Mental illness is beatable. Suicide is preventable. I want to say "never think otherwise," but I know more than most that those are just words. What I can say is believe that they are beatable and preventable. Find some inspiration. That way, if you can find someone who was at their nadir and was in the exact same shoes as you and has changed their life around, that means they have defeated the devil in the mind. Even if you have come across just one person who has been through what you have been through and has succeeded, that means that anyone can too.
I have very recently begun to have newfound faith in myself. I can feel my depression disappearing. It is still there, it won't disappear completely overnight. But the positivity is gradually beginning to outweigh the negativity.
The human mind can be a very dark place, but only if you let it. Once you have the help, the support and the strength to back you up, depression will be conquered.