“When I asked for examples of how I was high maintenance, he could only say that he had to pay me some sort of attention,” says Shaunna*, 27, from Manchester. She was shocked when her now ex-boyfriend first used the term, about a year into their relationship, when referring to basic acts such as talking, replying to her text messages, or just spending an evening together.
‘Love Island’ viewers will have seen Adam Collard pull a not entirely dissimilar stunt - first with Kendal Rae-Knight, and then twice with Rosie Williams. Kendal, he moaned, was “overthinking” things (choosing to take things at her own pace); Rosie, was over-reacting and making something of nothing when she tackled him about comments he’d made about her to Meghan Barton-Hanson. More recently, as Rosie confronted him after he ditched her for Zara McDermott, he accused her of being “arsey” and “having a bee in her bonnet”.
In these cases the implication was clear: these needy women are making unreasonable demands of me.
When people describe boyfriends or girlfriends as high maintenance, what they mean is they have “higher than normal expectations, and therefore more difficult or challenging to deal with”. The term can be used in a variety of contexts: physical, emotional or financial needs, but the unifying thread is that one half of the relationship has needs deemed by one party to exceed ‘the norm’.
And it is this that allows the term to be weaponised against women. Armele Philpotts of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy says calling out your partner for being ‘high maintenance’ is essentially shifting responsibility when you refuse to meet their emotional needs.
“They refuse to take responsibility in resolving difficulties, preferring to label you as the problem,” she says.
If you are in an abusive relationship, contact the National Domestic Violence Helpline, run by Women’s Aid and Refuge, on 0808 2000 247 or visit their websites.