Compliments are really sweet, right? Somebody has gone out of the way to say something good about who you are, what you look like or what you’ve achieved, and it makes you feel fuzzy inside? Right?
Right?!
Yeah, me neither. On paper, compliments really are lovely and giving them is a generous gesture but for many of us, a compliment is gut-wrenching, to say the least.
Why is this, though? We can see the good in others and know that we’d like to praise it but when it comes to ourselves, there’s a wall. In fact, for some of us, the urge is to offset the compliment by playing it down.
For example, somebody may say: “Congratulations on the promotion! You deserve it!” and your initial urge may be to respond that you aren’t sure you did deserve it, or that you think somebody else would probably be a better fit than you.
Why do we do this!?
The reason compliments feel uncomfortable, according to psychology
Dr Lindsay Godwin Ph.D, a practitioner in Organisation Development and Change explains in Psychology Today: “For many, compliments are paradoxically both uplifting and unsettling. A kind word about our achievements, talents, or even our appearance can feel undeserved or insincere.
“This discomfort often stems from deep-rooted insecurities or the nagging voice of imposter feelings, which convince us that we aren’t as competent or worthy as others perceive.”
She explains that psychologists attribute this discomfort to something called ‘cognitive dissonance’ — a term for the state of discomfort felt when two or more modes of thought contradict each other — as our self-perception doesn’t align with how we are being perceived.
Dr Godwin adds: “Research suggests this struggle is particularly pronounced for women, who are often socialised to be modest and to focus outwardly on others.
“Compliments, then, can feel like spotlights exposing imagined imperfections. Layer on the pressure of perfectionism that women often feel, and even a well-meaning “You’re amazing!” can feel like a reminder of our perceived shortcomings.”
How to improve how you see yourself
The leading mental health charity Mind recommends following these steps to improve your self-perception:
- Be kind to yourself
- Try to recognise positives
- Build a support network
- Try talking therapy
- Set yourself a challenge
- Look after yourself
You can read their full guide here.
Help and support:
- Mind, open Monday to Friday, 9am-6pm on 0300 123 3393.
- Samaritans offers a listening service which is open 24 hours a day, on 116 123 (UK and ROI - this number is FREE to call and will not appear on your phone bill).
- CALM (the Campaign Against Living Miserably) offer a helpline open 5pm-midnight, 365 days a year, on 0800 58 58 58, and a webchat service.
- The Mix is a free support service for people under 25. Call 0808 808 4994 or email help@themix.org.uk
- Rethink Mental Illness offers practical help through its advice line which can be reached on 0808 801 0525 (Monday to Friday 10am-4pm). More info can be found on rethink.org.